Weight Loss after an eating disorder?

So I have struggled with an ED for a few years. It started when I was about 15.

I have always been chubby, since the age of 3 or 4. I simply loved eating too much. Despite my parents’ desperate attempts, I never lost weight long-term. They locked the fridge, hid food from me, took me to numerous dietitians since I can remember and all this did was make me extremely self conscious and think that something was wrong with me and I couldn’t trust myself around food.

I “dieted” three or four times through my preteens with the help of a few dietitians, but I barely stuck to the plan and gained the weight back.

At the age of 14, a lot of changes happened in my life. Immigration, parents’ divorce, etc, which really wrecked me. I decided to lose the weight once and for all. I weighed about 165-170 lbs at the time and was classified as “obese” due to my petite height.

I downloaded my fitness pal and logged in my calories religiously (about 1200). I was fairly active at school and was still growing, so my deficit was too extreme. I kept cutting down food until I got to about 800 calories and eventually down to 500. I reached 93 pounds in 10 months. I was walking to school and from school to home, along with taking a dance class.

All my hair was falling out, I had brain fog, was always cold, and always felt as if I was about to collapse. I was severely depressed and struggled with anxiety as well; just pressuring myself to get all A’s at school. I was very suicidal at this time and stopped going to school for two months.

I saw a doctor and got into therapy and psychiatric care. I was introduced to an “intuitive eating and Health at Every Size” dietitian who encouraged me to “honor my extreme hunger” and told me all food was “morally equal”. Well, I ended up binging a ton in “recovery”, and my dietitian kept applauding me. In a span of nine months I had gained over 120 pounds. I had thrown away my scale and so I was shocked at how much weight I had gained. I couldn’t believe I was at 216 pounds after weighing merely 90 pounds. I was horrified and attempted to lose weight about three times in the span of a year.

I ended up relapsing into restriction each time I tried to lose weight.

I’m currently at 207-211 lbs and obviously none of my clothes or shoes fit. I can only shop in plus size sections since I wear a 1x and I have developed high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and my PCOS has worsened. I run out of breath walking at a brisk pace for a minute and my knees hurt.

I need to lose some weight and am currently in a 200-300 calorie deficit as to not trigger the binge/restrict cycle. Aiming for about 2 lbs of weight loss a month. I would like to lose about 70 pounds by 2026. I know this is a long-term goal, but I want to lose weight as slow as possible.

However I’m still scared of relapsing into either anorexia or binge eating. How do I manage my intake and movement without crossing the line into ED land? Is it even possible to keep the weight off? I feel scared and a bit lost.

P.S. I’m still seeing a therapist so I’m getting help for the mental stuff :)

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