I've been overweight since I can remember, but since the beginning of 2019, my mindset with my health and well-being changed. I lost about 40 lbs this year, going from the 180s to 140s in a span of few months through healthier eating, counting calories, working out, and fasting. I've tried to lose weight in the past, but this year was when I actually took it seriously. And I felt great! My self esteem and confidence has never been higher in my entire life in the beginning.
However, I slipped into disordered eating and body dysmorphia. I became obsessed with counting calories and restricting less than 1000 calories everyday while also working out 3-4 times a week. Losing weight and the feeling of control was I all I could think about everyday. I attempted purging several times. I felt like I had so much control over my life. I ended up in the ED Instagram community and subreddits. I felt miserable, but I also had so much control and power over my life.
My low restriction eventually backfired when I started binge eating in June. It wasn't that bad in summer, but since leaving for college, it got worse. I've been binge eating 3000+ calories 3-4 days a week, and I stopped going to the gym mid-September. There is a gym on campus, but I always felt humiliated working out there. I gained back about 6 pounds (I think?) and I don't want it to get any worse. I have perfectionist tendencies, so I either restrict or binge, which caused me to go through a binge-restrict cycle.
Anyways, I want to lose weight the right way. Thanksgiving just passed, and I just wanted to enjoy it. I definitely overate, but I'm okay with it. I ended up binging on leftovers today though, and I just wanted to type this to distract myself and maybe remind myself to keep a positive mindset with my weight loss journey. I also recently deleted my ED instagram account because it always put me in a toxic negative mindset.
I appreciate any tips and suggestions. Thanks for reading.
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