Trigger warning: body dysmorphia
I am dealing with a lot of conflicting ideas in my own head. Am I a horrible person for feeling better about myself because I'm an average weight and size? Am I doing this for myself or because of the society we're in? Does it make me a horrible body positivity advocate for me to do this?
I rejected even thinking seriously about weight loss for most of my adulthood. Annually, I would declare as a new years resolution that I would lose weight. That's what people expected to hear. Then I would go on as I did and nothing would change.
I did my best to love myself as someone who spent most of her adulthood 250+ pounds. Even now I'm not sharing my largest weight because I'm still embarrassed of it. I am so thankful for the fat acceptance and body positivity movement. I actually don't think I'd be here if it didn't exist. A lot of things contributed to my depression but my size and eating habits didn't help. Loving yourself in theory is much different than loving yourself in practice.
It's fucking hard.
In 2018 I was flying home for the holidays after the elections in Virginia, and the recount in Florida. Plane seats had never been comfortable for me but this was the first time i had to ask for a seat belt extender. I recall the feeling of humiliation vividly. I decided then something had to change.
And something did. One decision after another, and eventually the pounds started falling off. I recognize without a doubt that I am happier and healthier than I was two years ago. I have more energy. I enjoy life more. I also have a lot of anxiety around weighing in every morning and if i'm eating too many "bad" foods. I'm trying to change my mindset, but in my head I'm still a fat person and I'm too frightened to go back.
But I've also noticed other things. More attention ( positive or negative ) from men, other people noticing you more, being able to shop without going to a specialized store. Those things are bullshit. No ones value should be determined by their weight. All this is to say, our relationships with our bodies are complicated but don't let society attribute value to them.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/34Iif4Y
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