Background:
So I've been losing weight (and gaining, and losing again, rinse, repeat) for the past 5 years. I'm currently around 174 at 5'10, and in total I'm down about 110 pounds. I was down around 160--nearing my goal of 155--back at the beginning of May. I then completely lost control and binged my way back into the 170-180 pound range in a matter of weeks.
The past 4-5 days have gone well, and I dropped from 179 to 173 (water weight of course), but I just binged again. It doesn't help that my binges are upwards of 3,000 calories and unless I hit ~5,000, I don't even feel that bad physically. In another life, I was probably a competitive eater.
Where calories come into play is in my relationship with food. I track calories religiously, and I've been doing it for the past 5 years. Doing it has helped me to lose lots of weight, because being in a deficit basically guarantees weight loss.
Unfortunately, one of my biggest issues is this 'all or nothing' mentality surrounding food. If I have some bad cravings and mess up my deficit for the day, I have a habit of saying "screw it, might as well eat everything I've been wanting recently," and thousands of calories later, I'm hating myself for it.
Also, I tend to make 'deadlines' with my weight loss. I pick a certain date by which I'd like to be at my goal weight, and then calculate the daily deficit that is required to meet the deadline. As a result, there are some days where I feel okay, and some days where I feel seriously underfed. This weight loss strategy seems unnatural, and the result makes sense, because although I may be consuming the same amount of calories every day, my energy expenditure will not be the exact same on any two days.
Potential Plan:
I'm envisioning a lifestyle in which I can I throw out the calorie counting and the deadlines, and I choose what I eat based on quality and (visual) quantity of food. I can look at chicken, veggies, pasta, potatoes, fruit, or oatmeal, and know approximately what a serving is.
If I'm still hungry after a meal: rather than going on a binge because I've already reached my calorie limit for the day, maybe I'll have a little bit more dinner, or a banana, or a protein bar. Even if I shorten or eliminate my deficit for the day, at least I wouldn't be ruining multiple days of progress and wreaking havoc on my digestive system.
Concerns:
As amazing as intuitive/mindful eating sounds, it does give me a bit of anxiety. I'm a numbers guy, and I'd really like to get sort of lean (10-12% body fat), but I'm not sure that I would be able to do that without counting calories. I do lift weights 6 days/week, and I love running, so I'm going to start doing that again. Once I get warmed up, I'll eventually be putting in >40 miles/week because I enjoy longer distances.
These things obviously help with maintaining a deficit, but there's still no guarantee that it would work. Does anyone think I should maybe keep counting, but not have a large deficit (~1,000 calories)?
Other Observation:
I mentioned that I really want to get lean--but maybe that's a part of the problem? My weight loss has always been appearance driven. I was probably at 15-16% body fat when I was around ~160 pounds and I looked the best I've ever looked, but I'm having a hard time allowing myself to be happy about it until I have abs. I've definitely developed some serious body image issues throughout my weight loss journey, and I get the feeling that shifting away from a calorie-focused weight loss plan will help me to finally appreciate my progress and my body, all while continuing to improve. I could create new performance-based goals (lifting, running PR's) rather than fixating on the number on the scale (although, if I'm staying active and making good food choices, that number should naturally fall).
TL;DR: There's no TL;DR because the context is important, so if you managed to read it through, I appreciate you! I can't afford a counselor which is why I was hoping to bounce my thoughts off of some of you. I'm open to any advice, so you can be as brutally honest as you'd like. Thanks!
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