I feel like giving up and I wish I could cry. I don’t know why the journey had to turn out this way…

And I’m tired of trying to guess what that is.

My heart is weighing heavy today and I could use some help here. I’ve talked about it to a therapist. I’ve talked about it to friends but they don’t seem to really get it and maybe some of you can.

I’m in a rush to lose weight. I’m a rush to lose weight because I believe I cannot start to live until I’m at a thin body weight. I always let my weight hold me back from opportunities, intimacy, relationships or even in making friends. Job interviews terrify me cause I worry being perceived as fat and ugly. I’ve never even had my first kiss yet (I’m 23) and I say I’m okay with it but lately a lot of things eat at me.

I just feel so fat and ugly. With the added stress of PCOS, I also feel even more stressed out about the weight loss journey.

I feel so much stress in general. I come to you for help because I think you can get it and what it feels like to be trapped in a body you don’t like but also needing to find a way to make peace with yourself too.

I know reaching my weight goal won’t do much of anything to fix of all that’s wrong with me on the inside. I know that because I was once 182 pounds and even though I was much thinner then than I am now, I still hid myself away and found more reasons to never get out there and I still found myself ugly.

I’m just really sad and defeated in life lately. I though that the journey would get easier but in general it has gotten so much harder and I want to give up but I also want to throw my body away and get out of the skin feel trapped in.

Edit to add: I’ve lost 80 pounds so far and even though lately I’ve hit a mental wall, I know this is something I need to address.

I will say this. I’ve managed to develop some self-acceptance this past year: - I showed a full body pic of myself online (I never would have been able to do this last year). - I displayed my stomach as well. - I am in therapy consistently for nearly the past year.

I’m in therapy for childhood trauma and was diagnosed with PTSD for it and Major Depression.

I know being skinny won’t automatically make me confident - nor necessarily healthy - because I know the journey is about so much more than just that.

I do intend on having a deeper conversation with my therapist about it this Wednesday as there’s a reason why it’s coming up so strongly.

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