I hope the title isn't triggering for anyone. If you're sensitive to disordered eating, please do not read my post.
I'm completely at a loss, and now I have to ask strangers on the internet for advice (but you guys are very kind, so it's not too bad).
I've been dieting with CICO since August of 2020. Losing weight came easy for me, and it was honestly so fun and rewarding. I started about 200 pounds and reached about 140 on a healthy, 1.4-lbs-per-week track (even though I was eating on a 1-lb-per-week plan!)
Around March of this year, I became enveloped in a part of the internet that completely took over my mind. I became obsessed with weight loss. I lost weight really rapidly; in both April and May I lost 10 pounds per month. I was out walking at random hours of the night to increase my calories burned. I was exercising through injury and sickness. I had a surgery in May and just two hours after they released me from the hospital, I was out walking. I felt out of control of myself.
Then, it got worse. Since late May, I've been stuck in a binge-restrict cycle. I'll binge for a week and then "make it up" by water fasting for days. I've gained almost 10 pounds and stayed there for weeks now. I've tried eating more calories, but as soon as I get stressed out, my body's demand for junk food completely takes over. I don't know how to go back to healthy eating. I was so good at meal planning, volume eating, and all of the things that made weight loss fun and satisfying. Now I'm obsessed with exercising and I can't even trust the website that says my TDEE is over 2k calories.
Today, I've deleted all the apps that fuel my disordered behaviour, but I know that alone won't be enough. If I increase my calories any more, I will no longer be losing weight, but I also don't think increasing my calories solves the root problem. I don't know what the root problem is. I'm almost scared of someone telling me to exercise less. What do I even do in this situation? How do I escape what I've become addicted to, when the addiction is also a community of people I actually do enjoy being a part of? I want to eat healthily, but I can't pretend that I don't enjoy the rush I get when I fast, among other behaviours that have become a part of my disordered eating.
I dream of some day being able to fast and not slip into unhealthy habits, because I do enjoy the mental clarity it brings. I dream of eating at maintenance and being able to say I reached my goal weight, which I've now considered raising to be in a healthy BMI. Anyways, I think I got that off my chest. I haven't told anyone in my life about this. People know me as being "super fit" and my coworkers joke that I never eat, but they don't know the half of it, so I'd love some advice from those of you that might have it. Thank you <3
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3Ap8OWb
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