I have lost a significant amount of weight (40+ lbs) a few times in my life. I was able to do it because I really wanted to be “pretty”. Now that I’m in my early 20s with new found freedom, I really want to style myself the way that I want. Unfortunately for me, I have gained all the weight back and more and I’m now category 2 obese.
I was always a tall and thin kid. I was very “pretty” and people would always remark how tall and pretty I was. When my family moved away from my grandparents house, my mom would often body shame me and call me fat. But, she would also exclusively over feed me with junk food and buy me as much soda and snacks as she could. I gained some weight, but I was never fat.
When I was in middle school, I had enough of the body shaming and started to starve myself. I lost a lot of weight, and maintained until high school. I was put on meds for my “temper” by the request of mother so I gained 80 pounds and became obese for the first time. I lost the weight again and gained and lost one more time, all major weight loss.
Now, I’m stuck. I really want to lose weight, but I still can’t get over the bitterness I have in my heart from all the fat shaming and feeling like I’m just losing weight so I can be attractive to men. I don’t want to be a pretty girl anymore, but at the same time, I want to be attractive.
At this point, I just want to lose weight so I can look good in a pixie and dye my hair blue and dress myself in masculine clothing. I know that I can do that now, but I will get ridiculed more if I do.
Thanks for reading my post, hope this relates to someone out there.
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