SW: 210.5lbs, CW: 205lbs
So the majority of the year 2020 and a good chunk of 2021 was spent overeating and barely getting any movement that wasn't going to work and back home. My gym was closed and I was in no mood to work out at home or to go for walks. The only thing I was in the mood for was stress eating sugary stuff and stress drinking unholy amounts of coffee. Fun covid times all around with not so fun weight gain of almost 30 lbs by the middle of July 2021. Which lands me at my almost highest weight (the highest officially being 212 lbs 5 years ago).
Now I feel like attempting weight loss again. In a way. I have been trying to lose weight, on and off, since the age of 14. Now being 32, I have spent 18 years yo-yo dieting through a plethora of restrictive methods. My biggest success was through CICO with 40 lbs lost in the span two years right before the pandemic. But in my heart of hearts I truly believe that if I never have dieted at all I wouldn't be by far as fat as I am right now.
I don't have it in me to start another restrictive cycle that is going to end in failure. Isn't it the definition of madness: repeating the same fcling thing for 18 fucking years and expecting different results?
In the last 5 years restrictive eating constantly led me down a miserable and stress filled spiral (the CICO phase included): obsessing over food, massive overeating episodes, hair loss. I don't suffer from any eating disorders or body dysmorphia (at least I don't think I do), but I do have disordered eating habits and a lot of shame associated with food and eating. I am so f*cling exhausted with all the restrictive dieting. Just thinking about starting any restrictions again makes me fly into rage. Seriously, sometimes I feel like, if I get another well meaning diet advice, I will spit into the person's face and just deal with consequences. What a great head space.
So I feel it's time to try something new. A month ago I stumbled upon something called intuitive/mindful eating. It's not a diet, not even a weight loss strategy. Which is good I guess. At this point I don't now, what I truly want anymore: being thin or just feeling good in my body. I am not sure it's the same thing.
I still eat the same things: mostly home cooked whole foods. I shifted from eating three big meals to eating three smaller meals with two big snacks in between. I shifted the majority of calories consumed to mornings and afternoons with dinner being the smallest meal, where it used to be the biggest (fuelled by my overeating usually happening in the evenings).
I pulled all my "hidden" sugary treats out of the drawers and put the in a box in the middle of the dining table with unconditional permission to take whatever I want whenever I want. To my surprise I didn't eat all that much out of that box.
I still track, but only before bed after all my meals. I now calorie counting still affects my food choices. It's just a never ceasing running tally in the back of my head. I can always guesstimate calorie content of my meals pretty accurately.
It feels great to always be satiated. My hunger ques are ok, I guess. I am good at knowing when I am not hungry anymore (just very adept at ignoring that knowledge).
Mfp tells my I ate pretty much at maintenance for the last month, but I still lost 5 pounds. Probably due to all the working out. I am very happy to be back at the gym.
I have this new thing (not something that ever happened to me before), where from time to time I feel physical hunger, but have zero appetite to the point of feeling repulsed by food. I have no idea whether it's normal or just another f*cked up mental thing I have to deal with.
All in all, right now I am not sure in which direction I am going with all this. Just very sure I don't want to go back to restricting.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2Vop8aq
No comments:
Post a Comment