I dont know if this is allowed in r/loseit (which is why I marked it NSFW) If not, that's ok, just please let me know where it would be better to post. Also this will probably be a long post and I apologise for that
If you look back in my post history you can see my engagement with the r/loseit community and I've found everyone here so supportive and no BS and it's been really refreshing. I guess the title of my post says it all. I haven't had the best relationship with food and body image and since I was 10 or 11 I've been through many weight loss efforts, I had a PT in grade 5 and trained alongside adults because I was overweight and basically every person in my life has made me feel bad for it. Whatever thought, they weren't wrong as I was definitely on the chubbier side.
I've been active most my life but the last year of high school came with its struggles and I was being treated for anxiety and depression and during that time I'd eat... I'd eat in the middle of the night in my room just snacking on anything and everything that was in the kitchen and as a result I put on some weight. I have been fairly active my whole life and played many sports but with the last year of high school and academic pressure, I also stopped moving as much and that definitely took its toll. My BMI is off the chart, my waist measurement puts me at risk of cardiovascular disease and as someone who wants to be a doctor, I really think I need to be in better shape. For months I spent hours and hours researching different weight loss methods and exercises and tried to come up with plans but then I had the thought to consult my doctor just to get the all-clear.
Last month I had a phone consult with my doctor and honestly, I was overwhelmed. After I explained everything about my b/p habits from early this year (since stopped until I just did it today, which is why I'm writing this post) and how I snack at night he said that I had a borderline ED. He told me he'd have to get a psychiatrist and psychologist involved and I'd most probably have to have psychotherapy again and go on meds again. I freaked out - I had only booked an appointment to maybe get referred to a dietician to help me with my food and get the all-clear to do exercise and shit, not get chucked into intensive therapy.
So I decided to do it myself. I thought if I could count my calories, go on walks and control my food intake and lose weight, I would prove that there's nothing wrong with me. First three weeks went great - I lost water weight mostly but seeing the scale drop was fantastic and today.. I had a depressive episode. I binged on Shapes in my room, basically destroying whatever control I'd built up the past few weeks and I purged it out. I hate myself right now.
My weight and my body has been something I've been fighting against my whole life and I know it seems silly to have this sort of stubbornness but I really thought I could be better than I am.
I was wondering if anyone has a similar experience or if anyone could offer me any advice about what to do.... I'm feeling pretty disappointed in myself and lost.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2ZmWFUb
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