From the title of this post, I'm sure it doesn't seem like something that would ever belong in this sub, and what I'm about to write is very lengthy, but I didn't really know where else to post this and I'd appreciate some opinions from people here.
I never thought I'd be making a post like this, but here goes. I am 21F, 5'5", and about 135 pounds. I am fully aware I'm already at a healthy weight, but my current weight is the result of a 15-pound gain in the span of only about a year since I stopped exercising post-covid, which is why I was trying for years to lose those 15 pounds, or at least some of it, again. I have a very complicated and tough relationship with tracking my calories and setting a daily budget. But at the end of the day, all it has caused is my weight to yo-yo without it ever actually going down. It made me miserable, caused me to miss out on fun events with my friends (because I had to "save my calories" instead of "wasting" them on those special occasions), and my willpower is quite weak when it comes to food so I would always fall into a cycle of staying consistent for a week, then snapping at the end of the week and binging, and then beating myself up for the next several days.
I stopped counting my calories a few weeks ago after realizing that I was putting myself through these constant cycles of misery for nothing because I wasn't even actually losing weight. And honestly, it's the happiest I've been mentally in a long time. It's such a huge burden off my shoulders to not have to constantly think about how many calories are in this meal and instead just give myself the freedom to eat what I want, when I want. No more feeling like I have to save up for a treat, and no more punishing myself or feeling guilty if I go over my daily budget because I have no daily budget. And now I feel like I can freely have fun with my friends when special occasions come up without thinking about the calories involved. Even though I hate counting calories, I have found that I can love exercise, so these past few weeks I have been trying to incorporate more exercise and cardio into each day, but not necessarily for weight loss, just to get more physical activity and improve my overall health. I still weigh myself daily, and my weight seems to have more or less plateaued around here.
To be honest, I'm still not obsessed with the way I look right now. I was looking at some old pictures, and I have to admit, I do miss those years before I gained this weight when my face was a lot slimmer and I didn't have extra deposits of fat in my hips, arms, and thighs. After all, those are the very things I was trying to lose by losing this weight. I still have a lot of buried self-hatred toward my body and confidence issues that I need to work on, but for now, I'm doing my best to accept myself as I am.
Maybe one day I will try to pick this back up. Or maybe I will fall back into the sports I used to love and end up naturally losing the weight I've been trying to lose all this time. But for now, I think I'm going to put this on hold. No more restricting calories, and I will continue trying to incorporate that exercise into each day like I am now. After all, I'm healthy, and I'm a hell lot happier now too. I hope I'm making the right decision for the long run, but at least for now, it's felt so much better.
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