(TW: disordered eating; drug abuse)
Hoping for some advice here! I’m in the UK, if it matters.
So I’ve always been on the heavier side since I was a kid, finally got into the gym at 18 and then got into lifting at 21, started taking it a lot more seriously at around 25. I struggled with bulimia at 21 for about six months and my relationship with food has never really been the same since; I binged a lot when I was a kid and always hated my body, but once I’d lost some decent weight, perversely I got more obsessed and anxious about it.
My weight has been up and down throughout that time but I seriously piled it on during the first lockdown - I got up to 163lbs before I finally stepped on the scales and was like OH SHIT. Through calorie tracking, upping my cardio and lifting heavier, I got down to 132lbs just before hitting 30 in January 2022. I’d been diagnosed with ADHD a few months before that; I started on Elvanse (Vyvanse in the US) the following month.
I dropped another 16lbs very quickly, leaving me with a lot of loose skin; I had zero appetite and insane amounts of energy, doing x2 high intensity spin sessions, x1 PT session and x1 solo lift per week, plus dance classes and walking at least 12,000 steps/day. My eating was pretty solid, when I remembered to eat - I was hitting around 1,800 calories a day, but often below. Weirdly, my relationship with food was really solid at that time - I didn’t freak out about cheat meals or anything, I was often starving hungry because my activity level was so high so I figured I needed the extra fuel.
Long story short, turns out stimulants are very not good for me and I ended up having an extended hypomanic episode, with at least one major nervous breakdown in March 2023. My marriage imploded around the same time. I was in denial that the stims were making me sick, so I carried on taking them until the global shortage caught up with me in November 2023 and I stopped taking them. I also just… stopped doing anything. The binge eating came back in full force and I was so depressed I couldn’t peel myself off the sofa. Everything just went… soft.
I’m finally starting to feel a lot better (thank you, SSRIs) and ready to get back out there. I weighed myself today and I’m at 129lbs, which is okay for my height, but I have a massive gut that I’m desperate to get rid of. Sadly I am genetically predisposed to carry weight in my midsection, thanks family 🙄 I had very low body fat and was super ripped on Elvanse, but a lot of people now tell me that I looked unwell. I still think I looked fabulous, but I’m trying to make my leave with the fact that it’s not worth being back on speed - 2023 was by far the worst year of my life, and I never want to get back there.
I’m aiming to get back to the x2 spin/x2 lift - I’m going back to my old PT to really busy my ass. My question is, if I want to focus on recomp more than weight loss (obviously I would love to see the number go down on the scale, but I really just want to be slimmer), how should I go about shooting for that with my nutrition? Because of my history of disordered eating I try not to go too crazy tracking macros, although I know I need to be whacking up the protein. My TDEE for maintenance is coming out at 1,960 - I’d like to shoot for 1,800 but not sure if this is too much? I have a healthy appetite, ha.
Sorry for the long read but any input gratefully received!
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