I am 5’4” and probably 240-250lbs. I honestly haven’t been on a scale in quite awhile. I’ve tried every diet under the sun. No carb, weight watchers, keto, cleanses, pills, you name it I’ve tried it! I always manage to take off roughly 10lbs and then gain the same 10lbs (and probably more) back when I’ve given up. In college I lost maybe 50lbs but ended up hospitalized due to ephedrine use. Good times. I’ve been large my entire life, even as a youth. Food has always been a struggle and was a love language for my family. Unraveling these habits is hard.
Summer is coming, I work a FT job and sing PT at a church and have two little children (4,7) so life is hectic and I find it taxing to figure a fitness routine which fits my schedule. However, with church singing season coming to a close, I think I am getting ready to finally take a leap and focus on my health. Notice I say health and not weight. I am trying to decouple these two things.
The psychology of obesity is unbelievable and I don’t think ever truly discussed. It’s torturous to be obsessive. It really sometimes feels like OCD. Maybe more like what any addict does but it’s socialized and literally available everywhere and something we observe relentlessly with others. Tired of the “always start on a Monday” mentality. Perfection or fuck it let’s binge eat. Holding myself to relentless standards which are impossible to meet. I want to work more on the positive, accepting, prideful side of things instead of all the bad feelings.
I just want this obsession to stop, you know? The obsession of letting my weight or the worry of my weight impacting my daily life. I worry about becoming obsessed with the minutia of weight loss efforts. I don’t want it to consume my daily life. So I just never start?
I am a confident and beautiful woman. I don’t hate myself for my size. I’m just tired of the constant thoughts of bettering myself and being disappointed in my own refusal to invest in myself.
I am excited and cautiously optimistic that maybe this venting post will help me stop making every excuse in the world for why it’s not time to begin.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2QDfs5i
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