Not sure if I even have a question, just came to a realization today that I have never had before. Wanted to get some of this off my chest. This post really is more of a selfish post for me to be able to process my journey so far. Before today, I looked at my weight loss attempts as an endless list of failures. Now I see the whole process as one very long road to where I am today.
Up until this point in my life, I have always been overweight. Not so much so that it ever stopped me from doing what I loved, but it always made me feel self-conscious. I was bullied quite a bit for my weight growing up. The bullying never truly got to me, but it was always there. Even the comments of family members or others would often show that they knew I was fat. It is just second nature I think, eventually someone is going to make reference to your weight and it usually isn't derogatory at all. It just reminds you over and over that there is something wrong.
Nearing the end of high school I developed tons of confidence which was good in a way. But I also started believing that my weight was just a part of who I am. I believed there was nothing really wrong with it and I blamed it on genetics. I got married and I let my weight slip even more. I did make countless attempts to lose the weight. Keto diet was the largest loss for me, before gaining double what I had lost because it simply isn't sustainable in my opinion (If it is sustainable for you, please ignore this. It's just that I know about 8 people who found the same thing. Huge initial loss, bigger regain). But I always blamed it on genetics and couldn't figure out how my healthy weight friends ate tons more food than I did but didn't gain weight.
College only made everything worse. Sitting, studying and eating. No money, no gym, tons of Kraft Dinner and tons of weight gain.
The first summer away from college I had a job in a city where I had access to a gym again. That summer I encountered a crazy reddit post in this sub that basically said,
"your fat because you eat too much, eat less",
and that is where I encountered CICO. At first I didn't believe it, but I started counting. Wow. I ate probably 3x the calories my wife ate. How on earth did I ever think my food intake was normal? I guess I bought into the lie that I am not the one to blame for my health. I always wanted to blame something or someone else. I am not saying that people dont have certain medical issue or history that are a factor, but it is still up to you what you are going to do about those things. They do not control you.
That is where the next 3 years took a turn for the better in changing my lifestyle. I started to see more victories than failures. I soon realized that my ability to eat well and count calories was inextricably linked to going to the gym. Starting my morning at the gym set a standard of health for the day. Waking up was the next battle. I got a sunrise alarm clock and that helped but not enough. I would still stay up too late on my phone and was not able to get out of bed. So I learned to charge my phone on the other side of the room with another alarm. I noticed that my phone no longer became the thing I longed to see every night and morning. Eventually it became completely natural for me to get out of bed and go to the gym.
But then another problem. I was counting but stopped losing weight. Apparently my "eyeballing" of portions needed to be replaced with a food scale, suggested one redditor. Got food scale, "Oh, I'm eating 600 calories of peanut butter not 200..." Queue me losing weight again.
Each summer I got better and better at this rhythm of learning how to be healthy, only to see catastrophic failure as i went back to college and lost access to my gym every year. In my summer before my last year of college I lost over 30 lbs. Over the next college year I gained nearly 10 back. But through all this I had so much peace that it was soon going to be finally over. Covid and 2 months at home added another 10lbs. But it didnt matter because I was ready. This was so different from the norm. Looking back today I realize just how confident I was.
That brings me to now. I'm officially fully moved into a new place, job and lifestyle. I haven't even remotely struggled to dive into it. I realize now that that is because of 24 years of collective experience both of failures and victories. Although my weightloss journey might have started the first moment I realized just how much bigger I was than the other kids at school, that didn't mean I would suddenly do a 180 and lose the weight. It took me another 15 years to learn how to do that. It doesn't mean I didn't want it before, it just means I had a lot more to learn.
The biggest lesson of all, was that it truly was my fault. It wasn't the bullies, it wasn't genetics and it wasn't my family, it was me. I made decisions with food everyday that damaged my health. It doesn't mean that certain people aren't accountable for what they have done or how they have treated me, it means that I am accountable for how I react. That realization was the turning point.
TLDR: Just read this part
As I was thinking about this big crazy journey this morning, the weirdest feeling came over me. I realized that I have never in my life really felt like I could do it. I never felt like I was going to do anything more than lose weight for a period of time. I never thought of weight loss as related to a life change, but only a body change. I would tell myself, "this is it, this is the last straw, I am never going back", but I always had this gnawing feeling that it wasn't going to happen.
But here I am today, and that feeling is nowhere in sight. I think it disappeared sometime last august. I am looking forward to hitting my goal sometime next spring and it doesn't even matter to me. I used to be obsessed with goal dates and now I couldn't care less (Im still pumped to get to my goal weight though!). Because now my life has changed, the benefits of which I have already experienced in droves. I have seen radical growth in my marriage, my spirituality, my faith, my health, my patience, my compassion, my productivity, my energy and countless other things.
Not only am I already healthier today, but I am going to be healthy. One day I am going to weigh a normal weight for the first time in my entire life. I don't even think about the question of if, its only when. I never thought I'd see the day that I felt this way.
I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is so much closer than I ever realized. I don't think there is a crash course that could have gotten me to this point. It took time and drive. Although I am positive there will be more battles down the road, a war has been won in my life. I know that I am going to have to stay alert to keep this "post-war peace". But I am so thankful that I can finally enjoy that peace. Healthy food tastes amazing, cooking is fun, going to the gym is exciting, CICO counting is becoming second nature and being healthy is what I want to do and no longer what I force myself to do.
I guess I just want to encourage everyone here who is struggling not to judge your progress too harshly just on the fluctuations of the scale. Judge your progress by what you've learned and how your failures and victories have made you more prepared to be a healthier person today than you were a year ago.
...that was about 2 hours longer than the 5 minute post I had in mind haha...Also, re-reading it, I realize it might come across as a bit snobbish and that was not my intention sorry.
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