Weight loss internal crisis

Hi guys, it's my first time posting here! I'm F/26/5'2 138lbs, and basically, I'm losing weight and am getting scared of being vulnerable to people seeing the real me, and feeling more self-conscious about how I look now.

My story:

I used to be obese from the end of high school to early college (170lbs highest). I lost 50lbs (-->120lbs) in 2017 and then gained some back during a stressful time in 2018 (150lbs). This year in quarantine I thought it would be the perfect time to lose the weight, since I can't eat out much or meet people anyway. I committed to losing the weight again, and I've lost 12lbs so far (I'm 138lbs now!) and my goal is 105-110.

Honestly, the physical side of weight loss is pretty easy for me now. I've done intermittent fasting for years and have been pretty active since college, so hunger and exercise are not really hard for me to handle. I lost weight this month by doing ADF, and felt totally fine once I mentally got over the schedule changes.

I think the reason I was overweight to begin with was that I'm kind of a people pleaser, and would always value what people thought over what I liked. I was a bright child and my family had a lot of expectations for me. Then I went through a really rough patch in high school and college, felt like a failure, and pretty much just gave up caring and trying. I used food to give me some kind of structure in a really empty time in my life, and to numb/avoid the real uncomfortable issues deep inside ("If I don't eat 3 meals a day, what would I do instead?? Address my issues head-on? Focus on finding a purpose, a solution to the problems? Nope, way too painful.")

My family loved me too much and never pushed me to take care of myself, be independent, or responsible, so I struggled with that mindset for years until I took a hard look at myself at 23 and realized, yeah it's easy to just go with what people give you, but that will never get me what *I* want. So what do I want? How can I get it? And started working on myself bit by bit.

I'm proud of what I've learned and where I am now, but I think deep down I still have avoidance issues. My dad passed away when I was in high school, right after we moved back to the US from China (I'm half-Asian), and it was a tough adjustment. My mom is Asian and loves me a lot, but is not deep with emotions or empathy. I was naive and was treated pretty badly in my first relationship. I treated my next boyfriend poorly as a defense mechanism (didn't realize it till after and felt so ashamed), and now I've come full circle realizing I have problems with intimacy and vulnerability.

Now I'm digging through all this, I realize I have a knee-jerk reaction to being noticed, seen, and making important decisions. Being chubby allows you to slide through life mostly invisible, and not be hurt or questioned. I wasn't so big that I drew attention, but I'm not so small that it's striking either.

I'm taking control of my life and decisions now, and I know I want to be slim and more feminine. I want to wear the clothes I like and express my style, do my hair nice, feel cute at the beach, and be confident enough to participate in sports. I don't know if reaching my goal weight will do all these things, but I'm willing to try.

Now, there are 2 things that are really bothering me as I drop the weight:

1. I'm getting more male attention now and I don't know how to handle it in a normal way. It's nice to feel more attractive, but also pretty uncomfortable for someone who's used to hiding my true self away from people. I've spent so long relating to men based on just our personalities, that it was kind of nice to know that they would hang out with me purely because I was a fun person and not with any other intent or expectations. I don't know how to allow myself to accept their interest without being suspicious that they only like my looks. Has anyone else had vulnerability issues related to their weight, and how did you overcome it? How did you learn to trust that people like you for you and not because they want something from you? Or how do I learn to accept that the two can coexist...?
2. I naturally have a very slim frame and a youthful face. I'm almost 27 but most people even now think I'm 18-20. I'm worried that if I do reach my goal weight of 105, I'll look like a literal child! And maybe I'll have loose skin and no boobs, which would not be sexy. I want to be lean and healthy, but I also want to feel womanly. I'm not shy but I'm naturally more of a listener, I'm not very assertive, and have a happy and silly personality, so people already tend to talk over me or treat me like a kid. I'm worried if I get smaller I'll seem even younger and not be taken seriously as a woman. Fellow petite women, please help!!

Thanks for reading to the end! I really needed to vent and even if I don't get a solution it was helpful to try and process all these feelings. I know I probably need therapy for some of this but it's not an option for me right now, so I'm trying to find healthy ways to handle it until I can get a therapist. Any and all advice is welcome!

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