I started my weight loss journey around 5 years ago now. I lost almost half my body weight and was only 10-20lbs away from my goal weight. Things were amazing - I could shop anywhere I wanted, I was calorie counting and didn't feel restricted by my eating choices, I was exercising and going out constantly, and even though I was self-conscious about my loose skin, I looked great with the help of a good bra and clothing that covered my stomach.
But life changed for me a little too fast and depression hit me like a freight train. I half-heartedly maintained for a few months, then spent the next two years slowly gaining more and more weight. After about 9 months of depression I sought out a therapist. After 2 months of pretty unhelpful therapy I sought out medication. Eventually I quit therapy, but kept on the medication as it did help tremendously with the depression.
Last year I developed binge eating disorder and found that every time I restricted my calories for more than about 2 weeks, I start binging. After my third attempt to lose weight killed by binges and shame, I sought out an eating disorder therapist. I've been seeing her for around 8 months now but nothing has changed. It's my fault, not hers, but I just feel so hopeless.
I feel like I can only think straight when I'm disgustingly full. After I've eaten a big (trashy) meal, everything seems to clear: my guilt, my shame, my desire to lose weight. I can plan out meals, shopping lists, exercise routines... But 3 hours later I begin to get hungry again and it all disappears. Suddenly I no longer care about any of it and all I want is to eat: the trashier the better. My therapist made several recommendations early on for ways to combat this, but the problem is when it happens I just don't care. The only thing I care about is eating.
I'm trapped in this horrific cycle where I gain weight, feel depressed, don't want to work out... Then just want to eat. And the cycle continues on and on and on. My mother just got gastric sleeve surgery and I feel so ashamed when I think about all the progress I ruined and she tells me that she lost 17lbs this month (she was in a similar situation to me). I spent hours today looking at local weight loss clinics but the truth is I really don't want surgery. I want weight loss to be easy like it was the first time, but it's not. It's so much harder.
And on top of the constant cravings for food, I've gradually eaten more and more so I can eat a lot of food before I'm even full... Probably 3x as much as I could even 3-4 months ago. I order out several times a week and typically when I buy food with good intentions to eat it, it goes bad because when given the option to order out or cook... I order out. Homemade food doesn't excite me anymore because all I want is garbage and sweets. I've even tried meal plans, but it was the same thing: I ate the premade meals for a 4-5 days before they just seemed so boring and I ordered out again.
I'm in a war against myself and I am not winning. It doesn't matter how much I think about the bad parts of being fat or the good parts of being thin, it doesn't matter that my body aches and I hurt walking up the stairs, it doesn't matter that I go to therapy, it doesn't matter what I buy to eat. I've even tried blocking the fast food websites with our home firewall, but I'll just binge the healthy food I've bought with good intentions for a week then give up and use my phone to order out until I fix the firewall.
I just feel so hopeless and I don't know what to do. I want to shop at stores I love again. I want to feel comfortable no matter what chair I sit in. I want my ass to not hang over the sides of the toilet. I want to feel light when I take steps. I hate living this way and I want to feel happy, energetic, and successful again.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3wGYJld
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