Weight, Mental Health, and Worth - how do you do it?

I hope it's okay that I'm posting here. I feel a little desperate and overwhelmed and made a burner to post, so I hope it's okay.

Weight and body have always been super hard for me. Maybe I'm here because I'm re-exploring concepts of weight and worth more in-depth in therapy, but I keep getting this cognitive dissonance of feeling like my body isn't mine or like I can't control it. Most recently, I tried using Noom for almost a year, but fell off when my grandfather suddenly passed away. I wanted to focus on eating healthier, feeling more in control of my body, and feeling more self-confident/like I had self-worth. Because the pandemic has been hard, even off of Noom, I've been trying to reframe into thinking of finding joy in movement/inserting joyful movement into my life and spend my weekends hiking or roller skating, but as things start to (very slowly) return to normal, I've been finding myself drowning in obsessions about how people will see me (especially my coworkers, where I'm most abnormal body type and minority) and feeling pressure to lose the "covid weight".

I'm always hesitant and obsessive about losing weight - I grew up dieting from elementary school, which escalated into full eating disorders and overexercise up until I graduated from college. I both want to take care of and love my body, but also feel revulsed and disappointed by it. When I graduated and found medications that worked for my mental health, I found myself finally starting to develop some love for myself and finding real joy from eating and making food, but did take on some weight in the meantime. I feel like my depression both sabotages my efforts or kickstarts my efforts for weight loss and wellness.

So all this to say - how do I stay mindful of my mental health and still stay above water when it comes to health? Counting and measurements and meal planning all tend to landslide for me, and can trigger me. Even just this subreddit feels overwhelming and triggering, but I don't know where else to go.. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always trying to just hate myself again, year after year. I don't know how to keep self love and bodily worth sustainable. I've tried talking to my therapist about it, but she's not well-versed in eating disorders and her checking in on me mainly is asking if I've eaten okay lately. I'm embarrassed to talk about it, even to my husband, even when I know he loves me when I don't. I'm embarrassed to ask for help because I feel disgusting... but the feeling of feeling alone and powerless seems impossible to face alone.

submitted by /u/gh0sth0statm0st
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