First post on Reddit, and it is somewhat triggering my anxiety, but I feel that posting this is an important part of finally committing to a better and healthier lifestyle. Please be kind :)
I have always been interested in being active and was involved in several sports throughout high school, including basketball and rowing. I was at my lowest weight then, roughly 140-150 pounds, but I had a rough relationship with food and my self-image. Looking back, I am fairly certain that even though I did not LOOK like I had anything mentally wrong with me, I suffered from an eating disorder that developed from an overly-critical mother who projected her insecurities by commenting on my looks and weight. I was a beautiful, smart, and well-liked high school girl, but I was convinced that I really was just a giant in my size 8 jeans. I was obsessed with my stomach not hanging out from the top of my pants, and I would throw myself in a depression until I worked out hard again in order to fit into my jeans. I was constantly looking in mirrors to check that my stomach was sucked in because I was afraid people wouldn't think that I was a disgusting, obese slob.
In college, I could not keep up with my grueling workout and eating regiment. Compounded with what I now know to be a serious bout of depression, I gained 20 pounds by my junior year. Even though I was still considered to be on the healthy spectrum of my BMI, I cried myself to sleep on a regular basis hating myself. I cried every time I would see a picture of myself. I would cry anytime I would go to the doctor and they would ask to stand on a scale. In a time when social media and selfies were starting to be on the rise, I stayed away from Facebook and became a hermit because I did not want people who knew me in high school to see what I had become.
In the months leading up to my senior year, I joined WW because I had gotten engaged to be married that summer. I did end up losing those 20 pounds before my wedding, and I felt fantastic. After getting married, I swore to myself that I would never let myself become as "massive" as I was. However, my obsession with binge-eating and exercise had only been temporarily replaced with an obsession of counting points for food (not trying to go too hard on the WW program over here, ymmv). Once the novelty of my weight loss had worn off, I ended up gaining those 20 pounds back by the end of my first year of marriage.
I joined gyms and did very non-committal calorie counting for several years, but I still kept putting off the thought of needing to finally get serious with the way I approached my relationship with food and tried to keep the habits I had in high school to lose weight. I was still binge-eating and punishing myself with food and exercise while never changing my actual approach with food. I knew I wanted to get back to my high school shape before I had a baby, however, I ended up getting pregnant at I think around 180 pounds.
After pregnancy, I was pleased to find that I could fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, albeit they were a bit snug- I just chalked it up to my "body shape changing after pregnancy" and my hips just being a bit wider than they used to be, but I was still in denial that I had actually gained even more weight. My attempts at being losing weight by being blasé with calorie counting and exercise ended up with me being stuck in a rut with loathing my body. I ended up going on anti-anxiety medication when my son was about 15 months old to help with my PPA, but it ended up doing wonders with my thoughts and self-image. I started going out more, enjoying wearing makeup again for the first time in years, and buying myself cute clothes that fit by body without worrying about what size the label had on them. I was mindlessly eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. While I have had an incredible year of finally understanding what it means to be self-loving and accepting of the changes my body has made to have my son, I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't physically healthy.
I have been a long-time Reddit subscriber and r/loseit lurker. I loved getting to see everyone's progress, and I would silently cheer people on from behind my phone, but I haven't had had the courage to jump into the community until now. This past week, my whole family has been hit with a nasty virus, and I had no choice but to go to the doctor. When asked for my weight, I took in a deep breath and stepped on the scale. While I anticipated that the number was higher than I had thought in my head, I couldn't believe that of instead of being at roughly 180, the needle on the scale was sitting at 214. Staring at the number at the scale in the doctor's office, I hit the final stage of acceptance. I am not the girl I was before. I have changed inside and out, for better and for worse. Lasting change, for me, can't come from a weight-loss program or fast diet, but rather a lifestyle adjustment.
I have committed to seeing food as fuel; my body is a machine, which performs best when I can love it through feeding it what it needs- nothing more, nothing less. I fired up my Fitbit app on my phone, and started logging my food so I can see what exactly am I putting into my body. Over just a few days, I have been pleasantly surprised to find that some other mild health issues that I have had recently have been starting to disappear, including some IBS and moderate insomnia. It is amazing what food addictions and eating disorders can do to someone, and I am more motivated now to do this weight loss thing the right way. My plan is to stick around 1500 calories a day, and to honestly log what I eat, even though it may send me over my daily limit at times. I also plan to hopefully become more involved on this sub to keep my accountable. I don't want to be alone, and this community has always seemed super supportive and helpful (at least from the outside looking in). I realize weight loss isn't linear, and there will be some really trying times. For example, my husband and I are actually taking our first vacation out of town next weekend without our son, so I know I will be tempted to celebrate a bit more than I need (btw- if anyone has any great recommendations for what to see or do in the DC area, please let me know!).
Anyway, thanks for reading. Hope you all have a great rest of your Sunday!
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