I'm sitting here at the end of March feeling quite foolish. Between January to the end of February I lost 22 pounds and was in first place at my gym's weight loss challenge. I'd completely cut out eating out and overeating and was responsibly snacking with net weight loss.
March... March though I just feel like I lost it. The motivation, the discipline. I continually found excuses to treat myself. I found just as many excuses to console myself when things didn't go the way I wanted. I'm staring at a calendar I've covered in red on almost every day that I gave in and broke any semblance of CICO. I've felt very alone in this struggle. I've felt very disappointed in myself, and hopeless, and just gross as well. I started this month at 228 and everytime I dipped to 227 I just came right back up. I thought 220 would be a piece of cake. Same with winning the weight loss challenge. But I let failure and fear defeat me.
But I didn't gain weight this month. I maintained. I kept going to the gym almost every day, including days when it was the last thing I wanted to do on Earth. I kept having the self control to know when I absolutely had to stop eating if I didn't want to lose my progress.
I'm stuck halfway between who I was, skipping the gym, eating out daily, ashamed to wear a t-shirt in public and depressed by even facial pictures of myself... and who I want to be. But right now I know I have healthy habits I can stick to long term. I know I have a committed workout routine that is good for me. I know I'm so much happier with who I see in the mirror than I did before. And I know I can be who I want to be because I already have been. And that will lead to me looking how I want to look, too.
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