Complicated relationship with food

I've had a complicated relationship with food for as long as I can remember.

We didn't have much money for food when I was a kid, and it was a misogynistic family where the men and boys ate first. Girls were given remnants afterwards. Many nights, dinner was a piece of cornbread. I don't remember being hungry, exactly, but I never remember being comfortably full. Looking back, I realize that I was actually starving.

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Then came the freedom of adulthood. I'm in my 40's now and sometimes still get giddy walking into a supermarket, thinking, "I could buy anything here." The fridge, freezer, and cabinets stay full, and there are snacks in my desk, my purse, my car. I feel anxious when supplies run low even though I know the market is right down the street.

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I fell in love with food, too - with cooking and baking all things rich, salty, savory, sweet. To share an amazing meal with those I care about is the highest honor, and maybe my favorite way of showing love. Many of my most prized possessions are cookware.

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It's no surprise that my weight climbed steadily through adulthood, is it? I finally hit my breaking point about 10 years ago and lost about 75 pounds through strict CICO and daily exercise. I felt great... but slowly but surely, all the weight came creeping back. I tried a "who cares" attitude for a few years - until aching knees, ill-fitting clothes, and poor sleep forced me to reconsider. At the time of this post, I'm down 15 pounds again, with a long journey ahead.

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BUT - this time I'm reconsidering my relationship with food. I realize that insipid food for sake of weight loss - and trying to think of it only as fuel - will never work for me. I have to fall in love with food in different ways.

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I have container gardens growing in every patch of sunlight I can find. I walk into the farmer's market and think, "I can buy anything here." There's always a big batch of fresh pico de gallo in the fridge, and I'm finding the beauty in perfectly roasted chicken, crispy charred sweet potato wedges, complex quinoa salads, and so on. I have a beautiful new set of small plates in the cabinet. And, I still plan to make decadent desserts to share with those I love - but only every once in a long while, and only when there are enough "sharers" to make it a one-and-done event.

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It's early in this journey but I feel really good. This board inspires me tremendously. I would love to hear about the healthy foods that you enjoy most, and share ideas with anyone who may be interested. Call me crazy, but I want to have it all: I want to care about food, care about my body, and take good care of my family. It feels worth the work!

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