Here’s the kind of thought process my brain has. The left pic is me at one of my heaviest weights when I was pushing 280lbs. The right is today at 230lbs.
I’m glad I’m slimming down but I’m still unhappy with my appearance. I still have a belly, my ass still jiggles, my pectoral muscles are more flab than muscle and I still can’t play my 3DS when I’m laying down because my face scrunches up and makes me look super fat and I get depressed.
This is the reality of body dysmorphia, mixed with anxiety, clinical depression and working in a field where physical fitness is a priority. If you are chubby in my line of work you’ll often find yourself the subject of ridicule.
It’s not so bad in my current posting but it has happened throughout my career post-injury. I usually laugh it off and let it roll off my shoulder but it always hurts and I remember everything that was said to me.
I still remember after my initial injury having an officer walk up to me, poke me in the belly and tell me I was getting tubby. A few months later I was told I should think about a new uniform to cover up “that southern swell.” One that really hurt was when I got posted to an airforce base and a guy told me that a fatass like me shouldn’t be allowed to serve in “his army.” This guy was the same rank as me. I never reported it because I felt like he was right because I’d been led to think that my injury and my weight were something to be ashamed of. This is something I still fight with on a daily basis.
I’m not trying to soapbox here nor am I trying to or willing to point fingers or get anyone in trouble. I love my career and it’s had more highs than lows but unfortunately it’s often the lows that stick with me.
To wrap up I would like to say that I’m doing my best to feel and think more positively. I know I’m 50lbs lighter in the photo on the right. I know I’ve got a long way to go but at the same time I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned.
I’d appreciate hearing people’s thoughts on this. I apologize for the long post but I needed to get my feelings out in print.
I’ve bottled up my feelings and thoughts for too long and am not doing it anymore.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2Q5EgT1
No comments:
Post a Comment