INTRODUCTION
I hate being fat/overweight/obese/morbidly obese. Even worse, I hate admitting it or talking about it. I've struggled with weight my whole life -- since I was like 7 years old. That said, I think if I didn't have a life of athletic endeavor I might be dead already.
SIZED UP TO 4XL FROM 3XL--I FEEL AWFUL ABOUT IT--BUT I AM DOWN 15 POUNDS
I feel awful. I finally bit the bullet and ordered some more clothes. Something I’ve promised myself time and time again I wouldn’t do. I feel so ashamed. I succeed at everything I try, except for losing weight these days.
I’m 52. Male. I weighed 347 pounds as of this morning. That’s a BMI of about 50.2; and my body fat is about 39%. In other words, I have about 210 pounds of lean mass, and 140 pounds of body fat, give or take. My health would dramatically improve if I lost 90-120 pounds. I know this, want this, and have suffered in my efforts to accomplish this goal.
The stories on this subreddit have resonated with me--but in an incomplete way. Somehow I always have it my mind, that I’m different then “them” -- even though I look like the others who are morbidly -- or super morbidly-- obese. I hated the label overweight, bristled when it became obesity and am just shocked at the label morbid obesity. I mean, don’t I care about my family? How does this even happen?
SOME BACKGROUND
Exercise
In the stories I’ve reviewed on here, I read that many are taking up exercise for the first time in their lives. I’m the opposite. I’ve participated in exercise my entire life, sometimes at very high levels. I lift weights. I do calisthenics. I play tennis and racquetball. I hike with my family.
I regularly workout with my TRX (suspension hanging like using weights) -- along with a boxing/wrestling condition workout with slam balls, plyo boxes, leibert bars, bosu ball and exercise ball. [Some of this has been complicated over the last year or so, as I’m doing my own garage renovation that includes a gym].
Although it’s gone away in the last 3-5 years, I have a long history with road and mountain biking. For nearly a decade (prior to graduate school) I commuted by bike to a variety of jobs (and to graduate school).
And going back into my 20s and 30s, I participated in more than 100 triathlons, duathlons and road races.
I like being active. It’s fun to workout. In my 20s and 30s, I would workout like 10-20 hours per week. Once I got married that number got lower (truth be told, and I don’t blame her for where I am -- my wife that it was stupid and unreasonable that I rode my bike for hours, ran, swam etc. and announced early on it was unrealistic.)
Ironically, I'd like to do more outdoor activities, including: (1) motorcycling (enduro); (2) kite surfing; (3) rollerblading; (4) stand-up paddelboarding; (5) water skiing. The problem with the list? My weight hampers all of them. So they sort of sit as a dream of what I'll do once I "drop a few pounds."
HISTORY WITH WEIGHTS, MORE OR LESS BY DECADE
My Teens to 21 or so (1982-1990)
I was always overweight--at least I thought that was the case. The doctors told me I was overweight during elementary and junior high school. (I recently got some photos back of my days in high school -- got to say, I don’t appear to be overweight at all -- just like a regularly ornery 17 year old.) Even more odd, I achieved five letters, three in wrestling in two in football. I was a very competitive athlete at that time, though still technically overweight.
I was second strongest on my football team, two years running. (Highly ranked team, with lots of strong history, in a midwestern state). I was in athletic practices from August to March every year. IN the off-season, I stayed in shape running and lifting weights. (I had two incredibly successfully summer training camps in high school. I lifted weights five days a week, ran five miles a day, and came in ready to play hard for 3-a-day-s in the August sun in the midwest. I enjoyed that work--although I would come to learn later on there were much more fruitful ways to approach workouts, strength, flexibility, health, and fitness -- but, I worked with what I had physically (old weights), running no bike, and also what little knowledge I could pickup from a few library books pre-internet.
I was competitive through four wrestling seasons. I normally cut weight from the football season of about 190-195, down to 160 (or so) for wrestling (senior year). I still relish the feeling of leaving everything on the mat and putting in the hardest and best practice I could muster. I don’t shy from that, I relish it.
This resiliency undoubtedly allowed me to succeed in spite of a difficult childhood with a mother who was overwhelmed, after her husband (my dad) died of a massive heart attack (I think it was a drug overdose) in the mid-70s.
My 20s (1990-1999)
I went from 170 pounds in March 1987 to probably 210 or 220 pounds in Jan 1989. I was on the east coast playing music, eating whatever I wanted from a deprived childhood, and buying new clothes as necessary. I had very little nutritional understanding, other than they old meat, dairy, vegetable, fruit ideas food rubric. I bought whole milk for years, as no one told me any different.
But, by 1989 I decided I didn’t want to keep expanding and I brought exercise back into my life-- in a big way. (It’s stayed ever since). It began with me running a mile. Then running two miles. Then signing up for a popular running race or about 4 miles. I like the competition and ferocity of chasing down my own PR times.
By 1990 I bought a bike, started to do bike rally’s and then decided to join a gym, figure out swimming to whatever degree I could, and start doing triathlons. After doing my first triathlon I was hooked. I did four or five that first year--I was about 21. I also ran the NYC marathon. I dropped from about 220 pounds to something like 175 at the end of the marathon training. I also begin to regularly bike commute at several different jobs. (For a time I worked as a bike messenger too.)
After that, I did about 5-7 triathlons most years through my 20s. At 25, I went to college (for an artistic endeavor). It was a period of incredible stress, with a new city, new people, being 6 years older than my classmates, and having financial responsibilities. I worked 5p-midnight through college and went to school between 9a-4p. I don’t recommend it to anyone. I cranked through school in about three years, with much less exercise and gained weight during that period. I probably went up to 250-270 during those college years.
After college, I got a day job, and started commuting by bike. This helped manage my weight to some degree. I do recall I peaked at some point before I got the day job at 295. From 21 to 31, I had one serious girlfriend. It was a chaotic unhealthy relationship that was on-again, off-again. I think during one of our breakups, I went up to 295 pounds. But, that didn’t last long. I did more training and my eating went under control and I got back down to about 230 (again, always thinking why can’t I ever get back to 180, with all of the exercise I’m doing?)
My 30s. (1999-2009)
My long term (ten year) relationship that ended circa 1999. I had a healthy relationship after that, and my weight seemed to remain steady at around 230-240. Incidentally, when I weighed 230 I obsessed about finally getting to 180 or so. . . not even beginning to realize how delighted I would be to weigh 230 pounds today.
The triathlon events continued into my 30s, and into my move to the west coast. Lifetime I would estimate I’ve done 60-70 triathlons, about 12 running races, and a few other duathlons.
I also picked up the sport/activity of indoor rowing--something I've enjoyed for a long time. I've done marathons on it; half marathons, and rowed several million meters.
My 40s (2009-2019)
I married a great woman in 2009. That said, I think marriage is a series of negotiations, for better and worse. I do feel some of the worse parts of that negotiation has impacted my weight. As two examples, my wife hated my early exercise routines and rebelled. Instead of me riding up a mountain or going on a long weekend ride, she had other plans and disrespected the workouts. I think deep down there was/is a view that, why are you riding that stupid bike (or running or swimming or . . . ) do you like doing that more than you like spending time with me? This is damaging.
The other negotiation within my particular marriage? My wife loves to eat out. Far more than I do. And, when I eat out, like many others, I tend to consume too much. Yes, I could order less, or put half of it away-- all of those things are true.
Incidentally, in 2009, when I got married I weighed about 245 pounds or so. I’ve gained more than 100 pounds through my marriage. It’s a remarkable number. To be clear, I blame no one else.
My wife and I used to run together, we walk more together now. We own a treadmill and we get regular use out of it. We've also collected and used a series of videos (now it's youtube). I'm still a fan of doing step aerobics if its raining or a simply need a change of pace! (I plan on buying some old DVDs and outfitting the garage gym with some of those DVDs so I can run a 30-40 minute step routine as a way to add diversity to exercise).
My 50s, (2019-2020)
Aside from covid, I would get 2-3 workouts a week at 5 AM (long commute). Some weeks I got zero or next to zero if work was super busy (it often is). But the longest without a workout is probably 10-12 days, and maybe 2-3 period like that a year. The workouts over the past two years have been sort of crossfit inspired (I’ve never done crossfit, but I’ve watched it online). Various exercises with TRX, bosu balls, slam balls, plyo boxes, jump ropes etc. Lots of HIIT stuff.
I’ve messed with weightlifting some in this span. I definitely want to do more of it. (Gear is now sold out with covid by the way). My garage gym build is moving along, but not done yet -- when it’s done I’ll have a self-contained gym that will include weights. I have soloflex barbells - but doing large compound lifts (power lifts, deadlift, squat, bech) -- I’m beyond the max weight I have (I think they max around 105 pounds). I bought a more significant set of dumbbells, but they’re buried in a shipping crate in the overstuffed garage as the garage conversion continues. I hope the conversion will be done 6-12 weeks. The more lockdown continues, the more work I get done, all else being equal.
A FEW THOUGHTS
I weighed 361.4 on on April 20, 2020. June of last year I was at 335 pounds or so. I have a great wife and two great kids under 10. I have a great professional job (I’m an attorney) -- I actually like practicing law. Covid-19 has been yet another wake-up call. I read through other people’s stories here, and I find them very inspiring, although they sound sort of different.
I have a fitbit. I track my food. I admit the food tracking has been hit or miss. I’ve put together a few 10-week runs where I’ve tracked all but a few days. At other times, I’m on a few days; off a few days; and at still other times, I’m on for a week or two and off for a week or two. Interestingly, when I track my food, I often use a kitchen scale (a friend once asked why I had that scale-- I told him I used it to measure how much my food weighs; and he says “you should get that thing recalibrated -- I laughed and laughed). I feel like I’m accurate in what I’m recording. Today I returned to MFP -- I had abandoned in favor of fitbits meal tracker -- but after a year of fitbit, I’m told I can seamlessly bridge the food data from MFP to fitbit - so I’m going to go back to MFP.
Incidentally, when I’m tracking my food against caloric output of FB, it’s remarkable: I run about a 2,000 calorie deficit, but I never lose weight. I have some days where I burn 5,000 calories from my daily activity (during covid I’ve been doing woodworking and renovations in the garage).
My doctors has been insistent that I get weight loss surgery. I’ve drug my feet about it for the last 2-3 years. I don’t want to do WLS, but I admit to my doc (who I love, BTW) that the current state of affairs is untenable. I have high cholesterol and high blood pressure and I’m pre-diabetic. Everything was delayed due to covid. I’ve been to a WLS meeting and interestingly those who were post-surgery all said the same thing I wish I would have done it sooner. WLS feels like an admission of failure to me. I say that even though I realize that sounds incredibly unfair to those who have done it via WLS. (Moreover, the surgeon I met with explained the odds are about 1,000 to 1 that a person of my size will take off and KEEP OFF the weight - so he says WLS is the only solution for my obesity.)
In the meanwhile, I've made efforts to further educate myself about alternative means. My most important discovery seems to be the use of weightlifting as a means to add muscle, increase caloric expenditure, and then use that to drive a lower body fat, often synonymous with lower "weight."
I am intensely aware of how different I have become. I buy new clothes every year or so -- despite emphatic promises that won’t happen. I haven’t been on an airplane in about five years, as I fear I won’t fit that well (about 5 years ago I flew back east, and it was incredibly uncomfortable being stuck in some small coach seat.) My family no longer sits on booth seats as I don’t fit that well when we went to restaurants (that I don’t really want to go ro anyway). When I look around the building where I work, I look around to see whether I can find anyone as big as I am -- sometimes I can find one or two people -- but usually I’m the biggest. No one feels worse than I do about it, either. My kids now ask me why I have such a big belly, and say “daddy eats too much sweets.”
This group seems to be highly accepting and good at motivating folks.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3gqqCqq
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