It’s been a crazy ride.
I’m quarantined with my parents and my mother and I have always had a rocky relationship, mainly because she’s bullied me for my weight my whole life. She used to be a ballerina, and glorifies stick thin bodies. She’s the type of person who would starve herself to lose weight and not care about being healthy. I’m not.
Yesterday was particularly hard - she makes comments about my weight every single day. I’m F23, 181lbs, 5’7”, and been active my whole life. It’s been such an insane struggle living under the same roof as the person who hurts me the most. Since quarantine started, I’ve been doing IF and losing weight, and my mom has noticed. She’s made comments about how she’s gained weight while I’m losing weight, and maybe this has hurt her ego, because yesterday she was particularly nasty to me. Making fun of me for not leaving the house (because we’re quarantined), alluding to me being a “couch-potato” (because I work from home and I have to sit in front of the computer most of the day), and generally being verbally abusive as she usually is. And it just sent me over the edge.
I’ve been doing Chloe Ting’s two week shred challenge in order to keep some structure to my workouts. Yesterday was day 4, and I was really tempted to skip my workout and have a glass of wine to relax. However, I chose to work out because it was one of those days where I looked in the mirror and saw a morphed version of myself - fatter and uglier. I used to have really bad body dysmorphia when I was younger.
So I start with the first video out of three. I tend to record myself while working out to see the progress. I was halfway through the first video (HIIT workout) when I just broke down crying. It might be a little funny to watch that video in the future, since I was doing heel-touch abs while sobbing. Second video in, I get so frustrated with the fat in my abdomen I smash the floor with my fists. Third video in, I try to do a sideway plank (very difficult for me to hold) and again, I break down sobbing. Every time I’d start crying, I’d feel like getting in the shower, curl up into fetal position and cry my eyes out. But I didn’t.
I recorded one last video - the vlog-like, update video after my workout. It’s insane, I couldn’t stop crying. I kept saying how unworthy and fat and ugly I felt. I kept crying. Then I go silent for a few seconds, and right before the video is about to end, I say “oh wow, I really did finish the whole workout”. It was a really nice moment of realization, knowing that despite feeling like absolute shit, I’d donde something good for my body and mind.
I’ve never had such an emotionally draining workout and I really needed to share it with someone. I turn to this community in moments like this, because it’s really reassuring to know there’s others out there who understand the deep struggles a weight loss journey brings. It’s not just a physical change - it’s a whole ass emotional journey too.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2XclBtT
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