Hi everyone, long time lurker, first time poster on basically anything meaningful to my weight and mental health regarding it. I find such joy in reading through this sub and seeing other people's success stories and learning about how/why they did it. So here it goes, I apologize in advance if this gets rambly but I don't know what else will help, and this seems like a way to get things off my chest.
To start out, I currently weigh 376 pounds. The highest I ever recorded my weight was at the very end of 2019 at 396 pounds, but I'm almost positive I tipped over 400 at some point in time. I have stretch marks all over my body and a long family history of heart disease, diabetes, etc. The beginning of this year I felt such shame at how big I had allowed myself to become and how I knew it was negatively impacting my life and those relationships around me, especially the one with my mom. I had always tried to justify it with how I was really tall and "I have always just been a really big guy," but I always knew that was bullshit. So this year I signed up and started taking jiu jitsu more seriously, meal prepped, and doing some semblance of IF during the weekdays and trying my best on the weekends. And the weight was coming off. I plateaued at 380 for a couple weeks but was able to break through and was gaining confidence and had actually signed up for a jiu jitsu competition that was supposed to be in late March. I got down to ~367 by late February which I was accepting as 30 pounds lost and I felt the best I had ever felt about myself. My goal weight was 350 for the competition in March and I seemed to be on track. But this was all because I had such a strict routine of going to work, eating my prepared lunch, going to jiu jitsu class everyday right after work and then drinking a protein shake and going to bed. That schedule was perfect for me and I was thriving. But COVID hit and my gym closed down for the time being, the competition got cancelled and I have gained back 10 pounds this quarantine, and feel stuck inside and unable to do anything about my weight. This is dragging on me because I always read about and personally critiqued how fad diets will help you lose the weight but you'll likely gain it all back and then some once you get off them. And I don't want to be one of those people again.
I have always struggled with my weight, and have tried countless times to lose and get healthy. And every time I always envision and obsess over the super triumphant Instagram post about losing the weight and the progress pics and the comments of support and hopefully getting noticed by the women I am attracted to. This is the hopeless romantic in me, and thinking about it now it all seems so superficial and vain but it is and will always probably be the ultimate goal for me. I have so many piles of clothes that I can't wear anymore but have always kept with me through thousands of miles of moves. Just in case I actually lose the weight and can fit in them. And this year was the first time I was actually getting close to being able to do that.
As mentioned, a big source of motivation for my weight loss has always been the social media aspect of showing my progress and being happier with myself. Something that always stuck in my head was watching the Cross Fit games and seeing the Murph challenge back in 2016. And a big goal of mine, especially for this year, was to be able to complete Murph and post about it. But yesterday seeing friends completing the Murph challenge for Memorial Day, and looking at the scale and seeing the weight I had put back on, I had become depressed and a fog went over me and yesterday was essentially a blur.
But I woke up today with a new attitude, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and hopefully I can finally get all this to stick. Thanks for reading all this, it felt really good to write all this out. This is all just the tip of the iceberg, but hopefully expressing my thoughts and emotions will be helpful, and I plan on going to see a therapist when everything goes back to normal.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3eejcoi
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