I had been doing so well.
After having a medical termination in February and reaching the highest weight I’ve been for years, I committed to losing it all. I wanted to go from 75kg, aaaaaaall the way down to 58kg - the lowest baseline for a healthy weight at my height (167cm). I wanted to lose enough weight, so that I would never feel anxious about gaining weight ever again. By the time I turned 26 in August, I believed I could do it. I’d wasted enough of my life obsessing over how much I hated myself because of my body. I was ready to be free.
I have always struggled with my weight.
It’s an obsessive thought. It’s an angry thought. I admitted to my friend earlier this year that I’ll never see myself as beautiful. But it’s more than that - I admitted to myself long ago that I’ll never be a good person, I’ll never be a clean person. My weight makes me feel dirty. It makes me feel lonely. It makes me feel masculine and manly, just because I’ll never be as delicate as a slim girl.
Irrational, right?
I have a great partner, I have a great job. I’m successful in so many ways in life. Yet, this weekend broke me. I had officially lost 10kg yesterday. I saw 64 on the scale for the very first time. I was euphoric. Then I made my first mistake at lunch, then my second at dinner, until I had spiralled into a binge I couldn’t control. I was almost in a trance-like state. There were almost no breaks as I gorged myself, never feeling full.
Then, the morning.
I stepped onto the scale - 66.8kg. I couldn’t even cry. I just felt empty. I still do. I know there’s a science behind this, I know my weight will have fluctuations after a binge, but there’s nothing good inside of me right now. Just hollow emptiness.
I’m doing a water fast today. I don’t know if it will help, I just know I’m terrified of eating right now. I know I probably need more help dealing with the feelings and issues I have with food, but I’ve always wanted to reach some level of control before I confront that problem and seek help. I thought I had moved closer to being able to do that after my initial weight loss, but I think this binge just put me a million miles backwards.
I frequent this sub a lot. I know it’s usually motivational and positive, but the other side to weight loss can be so ugly. The emotions it brings out can be absolutely crushing, especially when you feel like a total failure over a minor indiscretion.
I feel very lost today. I don’t really know how to move forward with losing the 8kg I have left. Considering the way I’m feeling, I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3eAtdfy
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