I’ve had issues with loving my body and I still do. I grew up with parents who absolutely tore me down left and right and they still do to this day. Ever since I was younger, I’ve always looked up ways to diet in very unhealthy ways. I know I’m overweight and on the obese side, but right now I’m trying to be healthy, I’m working out, I’m making the right choices. In the past and even now, I’ve always tried to find ways to get there quicker and that includes hunching over the toilet and making myself hurl out my food until I think I got it all.
Lately, I’ve been super obsessed with the scale, calories, and overthinking every single thing I eat. I look up how many calories people eat to lose weight, strategies they use, workouts that work for them, diet styles that work for them, etc. I’ve become obsessive. I try to eat 1200 calories and most times go under. If I go a little over 1200, I feel sick to my stomach and feel like I ruined all my progress. It’s really stressful and it takes such a toll on my body. I know I’m fat, but that’s okay because fat shouldn’t be used as a negative word. Fat people still need to eat and get in all the nutrients they need. For me, that just didn’t click in my head for the longest time. I have really bad issues with my body insecurities. I’m 5’5 and currently 245 pounds. Even though I weight a lot, I don’t look anywhere near the amount I weigh and I think it’s taken a toll on me to the point where I suffer from body dysmorphia as well. Everything has just really taken a toll on me, and it just hurts that my brain won’t allow me to be okay.
I snapped last night and ate things I shouldn’t have. I ate a candy bar and some left over food I made. I was so upset and so mad at myself because my weight had just been fluctuating so hard even after how hard I’d been trying, so I just said fuck it. On Friday I was at a weight that would’ve put me at 25 pound weight loss. That day was also my cheat day, but I stayed within my calorie intake limit yet still somehow my weight managed to go up 4 pounds. After snapping last night, I was going to sleep all day today and not eat. But I took a shower, did my laundry, and am going to eat after I make this post because I think I’m okay now.
I learned today that my weight loss journey is my own. I’m constantly looking up what YOU guys here on loseit are doing. I’m looking up how many calories you eat, what kind of IF you follow, how keto is for you, etc. Since I started my journey in late May, I haven’t once stopped to ask myself what it is that my body needs. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since late May and even though I probably could’ve lost a lot more, I’m not going to be too hard on myself because I know I’ve been trying my best. I’ve finally learned that I’m not on a diet. This is just my lifestyle now. I know I most likely have an eating disorder and I’m going to get help for that when I can. I know I’ll still have days where I feel worthless and disgusting, but I think I’ll just read this whenever I feel like that. As cheesy as it sounds, weight loss takes time, commitment, self love, and just patience and I guess acknowledging that was my non-scale victory.
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