My 16-year-old cat suddenly died on Wednesday night and I have been a complete basketcase ever since. She was healthy, wasn't sick, wasn't acting weird - but randomly, suddenly dropped dead in the middle of the living room. I screamed and cried so much my throat went raw. I was extremely connected to her. I've been feeling lost and incredibly depressed since. I didn't even have the energy to do anything except cry, sleep, and eat. I've been eating nothing but takeout because I could not bring myself to focus long enough to clean the kitchen and do dishes, which I was already behind on before this happened. I've needed to go to the store to restock all my healthy foods but I've barely been able to peel myself out of bed, much less face being in public.
I've lost 30 pounds since May and this is the first time that weight loss has really 'stuck' for me. I've been concerned that falling off the wagon just once could derail me entirely, as it has in the past. I've avoided stumbling until now. Losing my cat has completely rocked my entire world. I used to binge absolutely incredible amounts of snack food and soda whenever I felt an emotion I didn't want to feel, like sadness or anger, or if I was bored. Trust me when I say that the urge was strong this weekend. But... I didn't binge. I ate a lot of stuff I don't normally eat anymore, like Chinese food and pizza, but I tried to keep portions reasonable and stop when I was full. I finally recognized that whatever the problem is, bingeing pretty much universally will not solve it. It won't bring my cat back. It won't remove my sadness and despair over losing her. All it will do is make me feel guilty afterwards, and put my body through physical stress for no benefit. And practically speaking, I don't think my stomach could handle that sort of intake anymore. (It's certainly pretty cross with me already after 4 days of takeout.)
Today, I'm back to tracking. I gave the kitchen a quick once-over and will be restocking on all my healthy food tonight. I'm still sad, confused, and angry, but life continues on and I am only going to set myself back further if I continue to allow myself to wallow. I'm only 2.5 pounds heavier today than I was on Wednesday morning, and I think most of this is water weight that I will quickly shed, as I have been eating a lot of very salty foods. Going a little crazy on takeout over the weekend didn't kill all my progress like I'd feared. I didn't binge. I didn't throw my hands up and call it all off when things started getting difficult, which is what I've done so many times before. I'm not bothered about 2.5 pounds of water weight. In the past, this would have been enough to discourage me completely. And what's even better is that I don't feel guilty at all for any of it. I'm trying to be gentle with myself and remember that I'm going through a difficult time, and I refuse to beat myself up over it. I'm just a handful of pounds away from being under 200 for the first time in probably 8 years, and I'm going to let that excitement buoy me through the next few weeks as I adjust to life without my furry best friend. I'm just really happy that for the first time ever, falling off the wagon isn't the end of my journey. It's just a bump in the road. This situation is temporary, as so many situations are, but improving my health will benefit me forever.
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