Friday, September 25, 2020

It's a journey, sometimes you take a shortcut, sometimes you take a roundabout

A few nights ago, I started typing a long rant about gaining the weight back. I was slightly tipsy and I saved it as a draft. September has been dreadful to me.

I started my weight loss journey last December. After the summer holidays, I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was exercising every day, tracking every calorie, I was getting really close to my goal. I was finally looking just the way I always to wanted to look.

I felt immensely proud, and it lasted a split second. Right after that, I started feeling a suffocating feeling of dread. I lost the weight, but I was still the same person, I was still leaving the same life. All my efforts suddenly felt useless.

At the same moment, I got a medical intervention and I was in pain for a week. I couldn't exercise and my cooking became more indulgent. I went back to work and got hit by post-holiday depression.

I'm an emotional eater and coped with fast food, sugar and alcohol. I was also avoiding Myfitnesspal and keeping away for the scale. Not surprisingly, I gained weight. A total of 6 pounds according to this morning weight in.

Instead of ranting about the weight gain, I wanted to share what I learned from this episode:

I needed this break. I was putting too much pressure on myself this summer and was low key obsessed with tracking and exercising. Now that I took a break, I'm upping my calories from 1200 to 1400 but will not exercise every day. I think my breakdown was also a result of being too strict.

I have to track my calories still. It's annoying but obviously, I can't still trust myself. It might take years to figure out how to eat and cook the right amount of food, and that's ok.

It's not a big deal, a month doesn't erase the whole journey. I learned so much about myself and I'm excited to learn even more.

It's harmful to project too much on your journey. Life is not like a makeover scene in a 90's movie. I'm thinking of starting therapy to deal with my emotional eating and body dysmorphia.

So this morning, I went on a run for the first time since early September. Running in nature in the fall is absolutely magic. It felt good. I was not running to lose weight, I was running for myself.

I hope that at the end of this journey, I will not only find a skinnier version of myself but a version that learned to take unconditionally care of herself.

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