22F, 5’9”, SW:~290, CW:157, GW: 140?
Hi! I switched coasts in August of last year (NY to CA) and took the change in scenery as an opportunity to rewrite my eating habits and get my overeating under control.
Weight loss is not new to me, in 2017-2018 I spent a year out of school and unemployed and worked really hard on eating well (mostly avoiding carbs and sugars and calorie counting) while hiking regularly in the morning with my dog!! I lost around 60 lbs then and got a boyfriend for the first time!! I was happy but was eating poorly again, going out a LOT and eating big (1500kcal+) meals 3 times a day. I was back to old habits so of course I gained the weight back.
I got up to probably around 290 but I wasn’t weighing myself at that point. I felt so stupid and hopeless because I knew exactly what I needed to do but for whatever reason, just for the sake of eating delicious food with someone I liked, I knowingly overate. It’s almost like the entire time I was losing the weight, I wasn’t letting myself eat like I wanted to but now I had the excuse of a boyfriend, some switched was flipped and I went right back into “you can eat ANYYYTHING!! ALL THE TIME!!!” Mode.
My current weightloss, I started just calorie counting (1200-1500) with really no workouts for the first 6-7 months. I lost weight with just that and when the golf course I live on closed down because of Covid, I got to walk it every day as a pedestrian!! Walking led to hiking which led to mountain climbing which led to waking up at 5:00 am every morning to run 4 miles up a 1500” mountain, to meet the sunrise at the top! (And the other psychos who get up there even earlier then me) I was looking back on old workouts in 2018 when I was hiking then too, and I am able to do now twice as much work in half the time, holy shit!!! Cutting your body weight in half is the ultimate steroid. I literally feel light on my feet! That might be why I’m obsessed with climbing mountains. (Also uphill running doesn’t shake loose skin as bad as flat jogging)
My weights mostly plateaued for the last 3-4 months, since mid summer, but on god are my calves toned. Even though I am still trying to lose weight and get to the range I want to be. As I’ve gotten thinner and thinner and started working out more and more my appetite has come back with vengeance. And I’m terrified. I know I am capable of losing weight and gaining it all back, and I see where I am now on the slope, unfortunately, and I don’t like whats ahead. I know HOW to maintain, I know its all math and good habits. But I fear my life of yo-yo dieting has ruined my relationship with food. I think about my next meal constantly, and my compulsive over eating has gotten worse, im in my fridge and cupboard every hour and i’m binging sometimes more then I remember to put into a tracker (4000kcal-5000 easy)
It feels like my brain is too polarized with my eating habits, I either don’t have permission to eat as I want to, or I do. Days I wake up like “whatever, i’m just gonna eat whatever, I don’t have the energy to fight the urges” and I don’t know why!! Suddenly eating a normal amount takes a huge amount of emotional energy and willpower and I think I burn myself out after a few days and the binging starts again. Its stupid because I’m not under eating!! Even with the exercise!! I have no reason to be wanting to eat all the time. This is getting exhausting and I can’t help but feel like this will be my whole life, forever. Its inescapable, either I keep the weight off and obsess over how much i’m gonna eat, constantly “mouth hungry” for no reason, and living in prettifying fear of gaining the weight back every day. OR whatever whenever I want and eventually die in my 30’s or something. Why is this my life!! What’s happening to me?? I KNOW what I have to do! I’m smarter then this, my body is healthy and happy but my brain always wants to be eating!
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