In 2016 through 2018, I lose juuust shy of 100 pounds; 60 pounds of that was lost in the first 6 months. Since 2018, I've regained nearly all of that. I used to go to the gym (not exaggerating) 5 hours a day, 4-5 times a week. At least one of those days, I'd meet with my personal trainer. Each day would be an hour of cardio, an hour of HIIT, and approximately 1.5 hours of strength training. The rest of the time, I don't know where it went. Weight loss became my life. I was ignoring friends and family. I had zero social life. I ate 1500-1750 calories a day. My diet wasn't perfect and neither was my workout regime, but it got the job done. I met my girlfriend in 2017, when I was pretty low in weight, and she's dated me and I've gained the weight. Recently, she and my doctor, both entirely separate, have expressed worry over my health regarding the weight gain. For me, the biggest issue has been energy and confidence.
Now, my diet is terrible. Poptarts, chips, cake, etc. I still go to the gym at least twice a week to strength train, but it is not on par with what I used to do. I try to do cardio, but running hurts my ankles, and I can only do the elliptical if I have headphones on (and they don't charge right). I also practice martial arts two to three times a week. It's enough to make me sweat, but it's not too bad. But, I'm really struggling to get my mind back where it was. I'm struggling to find my why. I know, before, it was able losing the weight because I wanted to be loved and I felt unlovable at the size I was. And now, I have a girlfriend who loves me.
I miss the energy and positive attention I got. I miss having my girlfriend look at me like she wants to jump my bones. I miss depression being so far away and easy to manage. I miss being able to buy shirts from any store.
But, I'm having a hard time "emptying my cup", or letting go of habits that aren't actually working. I'm just really struggling with starting and staying on track for more than a day. I think one of the big things that helped me was having the trainer in my ear, but it was his particular attitude that helped me. I tried other trainers and it didn't help me. Unfortunately, that trainer moved away and isn't doing any training anymore. Even tracking feels difficult nowadays, especially on weekends.
What didn't work with those trainers? They didn't get into my head. I think that's a me issue, not a them issue.
Only recently have I learned about "lean" strength. I used to think you needed to be bulky to be strong. With the advent of the new lean hero (Henry Cavill, that dude that plays Batman, James MacAvoy, Hugh Jackman, etc), I found I can go in that direction. When I lost the weight, I saw myself as "scrawny", despite lifting quite a bit. Aside from that, my father said "Okay, Neo, you can stop losing weight now" and that kind of gave me an excuse to stop. (I had already been burnt out at that point and just needed something to stop)
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