Hey everyone! First time poster here but longtime lurker.
I’ve been at a healthy body weight for a few years now but a few months ago I made it my mission to truly get into the best shape of my life. I downloaded the LoseIt app and although I’ve had ups and downs the last 6 weeks, I’ve lost about 8 pounds. I’ve also been biking most days and also incorporating some toning workouts so I’m building muscle tone too.
I can say I’ve never been so confident about myself and my body. I always had a fear that calorie-counting would make me feel restricted and limited, but it’s been totally the opposite — it’s so freeing to be able to eat the foods I love (in moderation, of course) and still lose weight.
At the start of our relationship, my boyfriend was super in shape. Hit the gym several times a day, really muscular, etc. I can genuinely say I never cared how he looked — I fell in love with the person he was and honestly as long as he’s healthy at his weight and feeling good, I don’t really care about aesthetics.
He had several intensive back & shoulder surgeries shortly after we met with months-long recovery periods. This made it impossible for him to do his usual gym workouts. He stays strong through it all, but I can tell his body has been in nearly perpetual pain the last few years. He can’t even go for a 30-minute walk without being in pain.
In the last few years, he’s lost quite a bit of muscle and put on fat. I honestly hardly would’ve noticed except today he kept looking in the mirror and calling himself “fat”. I haven’t calculated his BMI or anything but he’s still in a relatively healthy weight range, he’s just lost a lot of muscle and (in his opinion) has put on a little belly fat. I tried reassuring him and told him I thought he looked amazing as always, that I just wanted him to feel good and healthy but I loved him exactly as he is.
He gestured at me and said “but you always look so sexy and you get to bike and work out and everything”. Now I’m feeling guilty because although it still takes self-discipline to eat moderately and exercise, I feel guilty for being able to exercise when I know he can’t due to pain from his surgeries. I tried suggesting we could walk together; or he could use my stationary bike to avoid hurting his back. He said neither would work because his hips would still hurt.
I feel at such a loss because if exercise is completely out of the question, all that’s really left is to change eating habits. I started telling him about the LoseIt app I’d downloaded and how it helped me lose about 1-2 pounds a week but he immediately rejected the idea because he doesn’t like the idea of counting calories and says it’ll only make him feel worse. He told me he just wants to go on a months-long fast without eating anything. I told him I thought that didn’t seem like a sustainable or safe idea, and why not just try intermittent fasting to lower calorie intake if he doesn’t like counting calories.
He told me intermittent fasting would only work if he had a high activity level, which again isn’t possible since he can’t move much because of pain. Now, I feel totally stuck on what to do. It almost ended in an argument, not because I think he needs to change but because I know he’s feeling bad about himself and I also have no idea how to help.
I think my own quest to get in killer shape probably isn’t helping. I’m feeling so great and exercising a lot, meanwhile he’s feeling worse about himself and unable to move without pain. What can I do to help improve his self-esteem and motivate him without causing him greater pain?
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