I accepted my dream job with the company I’ve worked with for almost 3 years, and moved from Florida to Utah at the end of June for it.
By mid July, everyone was furloughed. 3 days ago, I got the call from my boss letting me know that I (along with almost everyone else) was being laid off. While I don’t blame the company (the financing issues really did come out of nowhere, no one could have anticipated it) the timing is SO BAD.
I have no job. I have no friends. I, someone who is zero percent outdoorsy, traded my beloved theme parks for mountains. I, an atheist, am now the complete black sheep in a town that is 90% belonging to a single religion. I feel like I’ve lost everything, and I’m really struggling. I want to move back to Florida, but I’m stuck for another 12 months on my townhouse lease.
The day I got the news, I was pretty numb, and while I managed to eat within my calorie limit, I didn’t bother with exercising or trying to close my rings on my Apple Watch. The day after I got the news, I became the human embodiment of Kirby. I inhaled everything in sight, including my prepared lunches for the rest of the week. I convinced my husband to take me to chili’s, specifically so I could chow down on 2 giant baskets of their chips and salsa, mostly on my own. By the end of the night, I felt physically ill. I literally had to fight not to throw up. Maybe I should have let myself, because I honestly felt horrible. It was the worst binge I’d had in years, but it was the only thing that kept me from losing it all day. The only time I cried was when I wasn’t stuffing my face.
Yesterday, I made a decision. I’ve been big my whole life, but personal tragedy has always been a milestone on my path to gaining to nearly 300 pounds. Because food is how I process sadness. But this time- I literally have nothing going for me, I feel like everything that makes me really happy has been stripped away (except my wonderful husband). So if I’m miserable anyways, I might as well channel that misery into something positive. I may not have theme parks or friends, but I can have my weight loss journey and my health.
This personal tragedy is going to be the catalyst to the change I’ve wanted for my entire life, because I finally have the clarity to realize that weight loss is never going to fall into my lap, it’s always going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. So why the hell not now, when the rest of my life feels like it’s falling apart.
Yesterday, with that mindset, I kept to 1300 calories, about 200 less than my official goal. I put on my Oculus Quest and played Beat Saber, my cardio of choice, for 20 minutes. And while my scores were terrible, because my playing wasn’t refined at all, I channeled all of my raw anger into slashing those stupid squares, and I was sweating more than I ever had playing the game. And you know what? I went to bed feeling ok. I was sad, for sure. But my body felt so much better not completely stuffed with crap, my arms ached a bit from swinging around ferociously, but overall I physically felt so much better than I had the night before. Mentally too, because even though I am still sad and I will continue to be sad, I’ve given my brain something positive to latch onto and strive for.
In a year, when I hopefully move back home, I want people to see me and think “Holy crap. Losing that job is the best thing that ever happened to her” as opposed to “poor thing, she’s been through a lot and you can see it”
So yeah. Sorry for the novel. But that was honestly cathartic to get out. I’m hoping in a year I can post an update to this, and show you guys that I really did kick absolute butt.
F/5’7”/283 pounds. Here we go.
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