Some of you might remember me from a few months back. In May and June, I was excited to start the weight loss journey, and made it about fifteen pounds down before I hit a plateau. I started working out with a trainer and thought, this is it, I'm getting my life together.
I'm not sure what happened. Somewhere along the line, I started relaxing the restrictions on myself. I thought, this is unbelievably hard and painful. What if I went a little slower? What if I let myself have a bit more, and just accepted it might take two years instead of one?
I've gained all the weight back. Worse, I did it through a series of binging episodes over the last two months. Last night I "woke up" when I was feeling uncomfortably full yet again, having blown money on takeout, and went to weigh myself. I feel so awful. So pathetic. But the rational part of my mind thought, jesus christ, I don't have control over this. This is actually becoming a serious problem.
I've examined the symptoms carefully. Binge episodes are characterized by a lack of control and significant overeating. The control I can definitely sympathize with. I try very hard to live well and have high expectations of myself. These "cheat moments" have turned, unwittingly, into letting go. I can feel myself reaching satiety but continue anyway. Then, when I physically cannot take another bite, the shame sets in.
Hiding, too, I've realized. I don't eat with my partner. I didn't before, because losing weight when he wasn't was difficult and I couldn't eat what he did. Now I eat more, and hide it when he's at work. I even bought junk like sour candy and stuffed it in the freezer so he wouldn't see.
I have a sweet puppy now who is always by my side, and a career I'm trying to build from the ground up. I don't know how I'll be able to give these things the attention they need if I'm eating myself to death in the shadows. But I'm also not an American citizen and don't have health insurance. That and I've been to therapy before; I know how CBT works.
Should I just... idfk... can I do this on my own? The awareness is here, at least. If I attack this with CBT methods on my own, will that be enough? I know there are things that can medically assist - Vyvanse has been approved for BED treatment, and antidepressants are possible - but both will ofc require several appointments with a psychiatrist, who may not even be available in a timely fashion! I'm stuck. I want this to be okay so badly. I want to not be so fucking weak willed.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3kcYY0V
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