Hello friends, I'm looking for some advice.
I've been sort of chubby my entire life, and have never really had a dating life. But around the age of 20, I lost a LOT of weight because I had a very active job (I was maybe 140 lbs, the lowest in my adult body, but I was so confident in my body that I had never even weighed myself!), I started dating a 32y man and started having sex. I had some bodily insecurities but they weren't too bad. But our relationship was terrible and he treated me like shit, and I started eating in secret & gaining weight. He would making comments about my body too, if he had occasional ED he would blame it on my weight (though he would drink and smoke pot like crazy).
Anyway I left him, which was good for my self esteem, but I kept gaining weight. I'm currently at 185+ (and at 5"4, this is a lot on my frame). I'm 24 and it's been two years since we broke up, and I want to start dating again. But I don't feel comfortable dating, or making a move on anybody (choice is super limited with covid too!) with my body as it is. My stomach feels enormous and my face is huge and puffy.
I've been starting weight loss journeys for 2 years but haven't gone anywhere. In fact I've gained weight. I've been telling myself this entire time that I need to lose weight for my health, and to feel my best. That anybody I'd like to date, should be attracted to me in the body that I have now. I would feel more trusting of them, because of the guy I dated who was attracted to me while I was skinny but gave me a hard time when I fot fat.
But in all honesty, I think I do want to lose weight so that I can date. So that I can attract a potential romantic interest, or go on Tinder, or at least approach someone. Yes, I still want to lose it sustainably. But I want a body that I will feel super sexy in! I want to pull up my shirt in the mirror and feel good about what I see, not feel pregnant. And I want men to find me attractive. And I feel unfeminist for feeling this. And that if this is my motivation, it will not hold me sustainably throughout the journey. Sorry for the giant essay, but does anybody have any advice? Have you used wanting to look good/wanting to date as motivation? How does it sustain you?
I feel fat and ugly all the time, and after having been quite slim for around 2 years, I know how I could feel.
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