But in a good way. I can't take it anymore and I'm letting it all out. I know this is long but I need to do this.
For the past 1.5 years, I have been packing on weight. I'm a 32-years old woman, full-time student, mother, and partner and I'm not living life the way I should or want to. I'm 5'0" and the last time I weighed myself, which was a few months ago, I was 220 lb. I'm likely heavier now - probably 240. I have asthma and for the past year, have experienced edema in my lower legs from slowed blood flow, worsening asthma, I'm pre-hypertensive, at 19, had my daughter (some weight gain but I lost most of it), at 20 I was diagnosed with several conditions like degenerative disc disease, congenital lumbar spinal stenosis, 4 slipped discs (one of which bulges towards my spine), bursitis in my hips, and severe carpal tunnel syndrome that has caused permanent nerve damage even after open-release carpal tunnel surgery. I had to stop working as an independent contractor for a gig platform because I've gotten too fat and it hurts too much to do the manual labor. To top it all off, I have moderately-severe autism and auditory processing disorder.
The bulk of these happened before my weight truly spun out of control so what was already difficult, I made worse. I was raised by a mother who suffers with BPD and anorexia so I was taught all of the wrong lessons about food. I've tried to love myself over the years and even got close at times but there was always an undercurrent of disgust and shame at my body. I was always overweight but it was never too terrible and certainly never kept me from enjoying life. Before, I was the short and cute chubby girl with the big boobs and big round butt that could attract most men. Now I'm this balloon of a woman and a shell of my former self. The past year I have started to hate myself so much that I wouldn't make love to my partner of 8 years. It's not his fault. I hated myself so I decided for him that I wasn't worthy of his love and affection. He has an extra 10 or 15 pounds but he looks fit and sexy. But no matter how much I ached for intimacy, I held myself back.
What happened? How did I allow myself to get this big? I don't want to hate myself this much. No one chooses to hate themselves like this. No one in their right mind chooses to be fat. I knew I was more prone to suffer issues if I put on the weight but I just couldn't stop myself - or wouldn't. I would never eat during the day unless I did more physical activity than usual and instead would wait until everyone was asleep. I would bring out my bowl, smoke some weed, and binge on junk food until I could barely breath. I would make secret trips to the grocery store or, if I did buy junk food, I would eat the whole package/box/bag and replace it the next day to make it look like I hadn't eaten it yet. Waiting for everyone to sleep before indulging in my sin caused my sleeping pattern to go completely out of whack. I've always struggled with insomnia (the initial reason I smoke weed), but not to the extent that I would need to sleep almost half the day away because I was up until 4 or 5 in the morning. My studies are suffering, my family is suffering, my body is suffering, and I'm suffering. Why? Haven't I been through enough in life? Haven't I been to enough funerals for my friends (non-weight related) that I should value my life more? Even burying my own sister? Was it not enough?
The weight has made walking nearly impossible because my back can no longer handle the weight, causing unbearable tightness and pain in my lower back. One of the final straws broke when we took our daughter to go trick or treating and I couldn't even make it half a block. The pain makes it impossible to keep walking. So there I was, coming up with the excuse that we could cover more houses if I drove along side them in the car. For the first time in my daughter's 13 years of life, I wasn't the one walking with her from house to house. Oddly, it worked out as my boyfriend really enjoyed being the primary walker as it was great bonding time. But still.... I felt like total and complete shit.
So here I am, warts and all. I'm tired of looking at women who are healthy and wishing I was them. I'm tired of avoiding mirrors and other reflective surfaces. When I do muster the courage to look in the mirror, I am horrified at what I've allowed to be done to my body. I'm tired of the sneaking around. I'm tired of looking at before and afters; seeing their start and current month and thinking, "If I had started my weight loss then, I could be like that right now". I'm tired of watching sex scenes with my boyfriend and worried that he sees that and wishes I looked like that. I'm tired of wearing a shirt to hide my stomach during sex. I miss being completely nude and feeling our bodies together. I know he loves me and I know he would never cheat on me. We've been to hell and back over the last 8 years and we're stronger for it. But I'm tired of sucking in my stomach (or a sad attempt to) so that he doesn't see how fat I've become. I'm tired of carefully turning around when he wants to have sex in missionary. I'm tired of pretending I'm way more ticklish of my sides and stomach than I actually am. I'm tired of holding things in front of my stomach to hide it. I'm tired of looking at myself during class in Zoom. I'm tired of feeling like shit after I eat or drink something I'm not supposed to. I'm tired of being in agony and barely making it through a shower because I can't stand that long. I'm tired of leaning on anything i can find to alleviate my back pain. I'm tired of telling my boyfriend that I'm tired of being this weight, making some half-assed attempt and going back to my old ways. I'm tired of our home not being more organized because I can't bring myself to do it because of my back. I'm tired of watching as my yoga mat collects dust. I'm tired of looking at the healthy food I bought expire because I gave up within the week. I'm tired of starting and failing and starting all over again. I'm so fucking sick and tired of being sick, tired, and miserable. I want to live a long life. I want to watch our daughter become a woman, potential mother, and adult. I want to travel the world. I want to make love to my boyfriend without fear, shame, or embarrassment. I want to love myself more. I want to take care of myself. I want to wear flip-flops. I want to go to the beach again. I want to give my family everything I have in me. I want to LIVE.
I think I've finally hit rock bottom in the best way possible. I think I'm finally ready to change but I know I can't do it alone. My boyfriend is supportive of me and wanting to make changes too. I want us to feel sexy and confident. Every time I've tried this on my own, I've failed because I didn't ask him to join me. He has failed every time for the same reason. And now we've decided to do it together.
I am now on day 4 weed-free and have followed through on my workout days this week. Tomorrow I will do yoga to help with flexibility and eventually work up to cardio on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I will do my HIIT workouts on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I can already feel some flexibility coming back now that I'm not as bloated from all of the junk food. The edema in my legs have already started to lessen. I can walk and stand longer which has been a huge relief. I'm becoming more and more conscious of what I put in my body. I'm not perfect but I am making the changes little by little every day and my body is thanking me for it as it crawls back to healthy.
Part of changing is holding myself accountable. I'm also doing something I've never done before; making this public. So every day, no matter what unless there extreme extenuating circumstances, I am pledging to post every day to keep myself on track. I will log my good days and my bad days. I will log what I've eaten, what exercises I've done, and my overall mood. It's not about getting upvotes or comments. It's about doing whatever I can to hold myself accountable and reminding myself every day why I'm doing this.
So whoever you are, if you've read this far, I appreciate you taking the time to peak into my life. Maybe you even resonate with everything I've said or even some of it. If you'd like, feel free to comment any tips, advice, or feedback. Make me accountable. I know I can do this but not on my own. I truly believe that I'm finally ready to change and take my life back from this cage that is my fat. I'm ready to start loving myself.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3m25bhW
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