Long post.
I dont know why I'm even writing this. I'm not a naturally hugely warm and open person, and this is slightly terrifying. Not because I think I'm some matyr but because peeling back the veil is always scary, but I'm determined to say something. I think about my niece, shes three and her favourite things are princesses, ballerinas and her cat. I think about my best friend who cries about her body, I think about the messages I've received saying "Oh I wish I could lose weight like you." This type of post has been posted many times before and thats why its important- because it is a reality of what can happen during this process. Over the last two and a half years, I have lost 55kgs/6 dress sizes. But for the last year and a half, my extreme calorie counting, starvation techniques, crazily strict dieting, excessive exercise and my need to control everything has led me down a path of disordered eating that I wish I could take back.
And i lied, i lied for so long about my truth. I lied on here, on Instagram, to my friends, to my family and to myself. I posted before and afters, proclaiming ideas of basic calorie counting and balance, about how anyone can do it and do it naturally. I fed my insanity with likes and posts, Ana sitting on my shoulder saying what a good job I was doing. They dont need to know the truth... why would I want to expose myself like that? Just enjoy the attention... enjoy the feeling of being successful in the eyes of others. Ignore the knawing sickness, live a lie. Skinny is better then happy. Skinny is better then happy. Skinny is happy.
I won't let her make me a liar anymore. This is my confessional. Pray for my forgiveness as I exorcise this demon out of my body.
The reason I want to tell my story is because I AM POTENTIALLY YOU. I want to warn others against the dangers of allowing yourself to be completely controlled by your weight loss goals, and how true happiness really does come from underneath. True fulfillment lies in the choices you make, the impression your character leaves on people and the experiences you have. Your value as a person does not solely consist of a number on a scale.
I am a cautionary tale, here to emphatically say that YOUR GOAL WEIGHT MAY NOT RESULT IN A LIFE CHANGING MOMENT. There's no parade, no one hands you a medal. And that disappointment, realizing that you're still you complete with all your same old problems - now only thinner - is a hugely intense disappointment. I felt as awful at 65kgs as I had at 115kgs. I stood alone, in a cold empty bathroom, and cried.
I think about my 22 year old self and think about how badly she had wanted to be the size I am. I would have given anything to literally cut the fat off my body, I would have sacrificed any small child that beezlebub would have accepted. "Only then will I be happy."
I read a lot of the first timers posts here and I'm not going to lie, we all know that we share common mental issues and reasons for being overweight and wanting to lose weight. I would argue that common threads amongst us are: - family pressure and expectation - a desire to be loved - clinical depression/anxiety - relationship issues caused by our insecurities about our weight. - societal pressure, or in many cultures the idea that thin = successful, happy and worthy.
I was a teenager before the curves of Ashley Graham and Kim Kardashian existed, and when you had to shave your pubes to wear the low cut denim of 2003. I was the fat funny friend, the teenager who never got a date, the daughter who felt as if she was not loved because she was fat. I was obsessed with Disney princesses and barbies as a small girl. And for SO MANY OF YOU - I know this can be a common story.
But here I am, in front of you today, saying I would happily put the weight I forced off my body this year back on in order to stop the endless calorie counter in my head. I wish I hadn't had to starve myself, I wish I hadn't caused long term physical damage to my body and my mind. I wish I hadn't sacrificed happiness to be thin. I wish instead that I had taken the steps I'm now being forced to take - getting control of what's underneath, grabbing the tentacles of kathulu and getting her back into line.
I am lucky in that I live in a country where the government has provided help. I also think because I quit drinking a few years ago, I am self aware enough that I reached out, and I am now in the system and examining my relationship with food, with my parents, with myself. I know there are so many who have struggled for so many years with eating disorders, friends I know. Your sister. Your mum. Your dad. Your uncle. Your best friend. It can be a life long affliction and I'm glad I'm at this point sooner rather then later. I am feeling better. I wish it hadn't taken three trips to the hospital, three months of missed periods and a year of begging from my mum and my partner to just stop.
I wish I had never heard of MFP, CICO, and I wish I'd just focused instead on building sustainable habits, eating real and whole food, doing exercise because I enjoy it. I started off in a great and healthy way but it dissolved into madness. I became lady Macbeth, screaming out damn spot. Obsessed. Controlling.
I would like to make a contrasting point here before I just get slammed in the comments. I do not believe that following CICO, or in fact pursuing the goal of weight loss in any way, is a negative thing. I dont think that you'll automatically get an eating disorder just because you are strict with yourself. Losing weight, one of the reasons we all came here, is a noble goal that will give you a better life. Do I still take daily medication? No. Can I run a 10k? Yes. Are people nicer? Yes. Do I have a better sex life and better relationships with those around me? Yes. It is an irony in all of this that if I hadn't started losing the weight then I would still be 115kgs under the absolute concrete belief that thin = happy. I would still be incredibly sick and unhealthy. I would still be an agoraphobic, living in my bed.
Kind traveller, thank you for sitting by my fire. I wish you well upon your journey and wish you all the success but heed my warning, it is simply this: If you are not happy within yourself now - losing weight will not bring you completion. It will never fix a relationship, make you more friends or cure your depression. Exercise and healthy eating can help that, but starvation and obsessive thinking does not.
That horrible saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" is utter rubbish. I ate proper spaghetti bolognese yesterday for the first time in a long time. Pasta tasted just as amazing as I remember it tasting.
1200 calories is not a bible figure. Calories are incredibly relative and honestly - their value is questionable. Health should be your goal, being able to dance and run and climb stairs and run marathons. Travel comfortably. Fit a wedding dress. Confidently approach your boss about that raise you damn well deserve. Live a long and healthy life, dying old, not having to get your knees replaced at 30. The sheer act of weighing less does have an incredible mental benefit.
But your weight does not equal your value.
And let me tell you - you are worthy and valuable and beautiful and worthy of living your best life right now. And you can do it. The only thing standing in your way is you. And if that goal is to lose a couple of pounds then hell yes friend. But dont make it the only thing that will ever make you happy.
In the invaluable words of Morty, "Get your shit together.".
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