Five years ago, my weight loss journey started and I crushed it. I got from 240 down to 135 (I'm 5'6"). I looked freakin' amazing. I still had some body dysmorphia, but I remembered several times looking at myself in a mirror or seeing a picture and thinking, "man, I look hot." And I was hot. I felt hot. I felt seen in the world. I felt like I could say whatever I wanted and completely and fully be myself.
Then. Life. Bad decisions. A whole bunch of "meh, it doesn't really matter"s. And now, I'm forty pounds heavier than my lowest weight. I've started to dislike the way I look again. I've started to be treated like an overweight woman again. I hate it.
I have spent a lot of time thinking and self-talking. I kept telling myself "oh, I want to do this so I can be strong" or "I want to feel better" or whatever, whatever, whatever, and it never stuck.
And suddenly, it hit me.
I want to be attractive.
All my life I have wanted to be attractive, but I thought it was out of reach for me. All of a sudden, I remembered that I was attractive and how it made me feel. No, it didn't solve ALL my issues, but it did make me believe in myself. It did make me feel like I had worth. It did make me learn how to speak up for myself and not worry what people thought because lots of people would just like me arbitrarily because I was thin, not hate me because I was fat.
I used to feel guilty for wanting to feel attractive. I felt like I was doing my gender wrong, somehow betraying the little girl I once was who was so defeated by the looks-centered culture we live in. But now, I'm slowly coming to realize that there's nothing wrong with wanting to look good, with wanting to appeal to others, with wanting to be attractive to people. I want to be attractive again--and just writing that is SUPER motivating.
So if you're doing this to be strong, go you. If you're doing this to get hot, GO YOU TOO. BEING HOT ROCKS.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2TWe3uv
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