Vent post with a throwaway.
25M, 240lbs, 5’5”
I’ve bounced between kind of chubby to obese several times from high school to now. None of the bouts of losing it have been very healthy until this one, but every time I committed to weight loss I noticed myself pretty much refuse to make significant social decisions and risks.
Obviously when I’m at my heaviest or most of shape I lack confidence to do just about anything. I understand that mentality has a lot more to do with weight, but I’ve approached my most recent journey having finally received treatment (therapy/medication) for severe depression and adjustment disorder. I’ve made my main focus this time strength training and fat loss instead of pure CICO and SVs and I’m happy with the progress I’m making (25lbs since mid-January, almost 8 inches off my waist and constant comments from coworkers about noticeable fat loss) but the same as always I’m constantly thinking “I can’t wait till I’m in shape, than I can be more social, or then I can ask that girl out, or pursue this interest, etc.” Anytime I think about some situation I just think “this would go/would have gone much better if I was at my goal by now.” I’ve found myself in this paralysis where one part of me wants to put the pedal to the metal so I can be respected and feel like a person, and the other half recognizes that approaching this the wrong way will only cause me to fuck it all up through unsustainable goals.
I’m currently serving in the military and I’m in a position where I’ll be working in my current capacity pretty much until my contract ends in about a year and a half. With that, I can’t put much of my drive or focus to my work (I pretty much run a front desk at s hospital, easy work and short hours, even by civilian standards) as circumstances play out that I can’t advance or acquire any new skills or training. For pretty much the next year of my life it is dedicated entirely to meeting my fitness goals.
But I’ve wasted so much of my life through being unhealthy that I’ve missed out on so much. I’ve had zero relationships, only a couple of sexual encounters that, honestly, I was not and am not entirely comfortable with, and despite receiving treatment for my mental illness, still have the destructive feeling that my physical appearance pushes people away from me that I would like to bond with, either platonically or otherwise. The thought of having to miss more chances at a normal life because I’m fat is agonizing, but the fear that rushing this like I have in the past to yo-yo back up and being in this predicament or worse at 30 is just as awful.
I just don’t know.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2LAvii4
No comments:
Post a Comment