My beginning

TW: organ prolapse; pelvic floor dysfunction

I’m a 36F, I weigh in at 226lbs now. I’ve slowly been putting this weight on over the course of several years, since before my now 3 year old son was conceived. I had another baby 7 months ago and I breastfeed, and so I kept telling myself, “it doesn’t really matter what you eat right now. Focus on feeding yourself and your baby, the weight loss can start when you’re no longer nursing...”

Except.... exactly a week ago, I was standing in the shower cleaning myself and I found a bulge in my nether regions, something that has never ever been there before. I’ve been a nurse for nearly a decade and my mind went immediately to uterine prolapse (when the pelvic floor muscles are so weak that the uterus starts to fall out of the vagina). I went to my doctor.

The good news: my uterus isn’t prolapsing.

The bad news: my bladder and a small portion of my rectum are prolapsing.

I wasn’t crazy, I actually felt a piece of the pelvic wall containing my bladder pushing out of my body.

My doctors are all pretty matter of fact about it. The research shows that 1 in 4 women have pelvic floor dysfunction of some kind after vaginal delivery. But I’m horrified. HORRIFIED!!!

My weight gain and inattention to my own body have contributed significantly to this issue. And now MY INTERNAL ORGANS ARE FALLING OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!

Surgery is an option, but if I want any chance of having a successful 3rd pregnancy, it’s not a safe bet.

Weight loss and Pelvic Floor physical therapy were the most highly recommended if my options. I was also told a Pessary might be a good choice to help hold everything in place.

I’m just.... I’m kind of ashamed at myself for letting it get to this point. Other than being very overweight, I haven’t actually had any health problems before, so I really didn’t feel any urgency about my weight.

I’ve half-heartedly tried things, and when I didn’t have immediate results I got discouraged and lost what motivation I had and gave up. Not all at once mind you, but rather “oh just one cookie is ok, I did well today.” “Oh a piece of cake isn’t such a big deal.”

I don’t know why I expected the weight which has come on over a period of 5 years should just melt away in a matter of weeks. My expectations were ridiculous and self-defeating.

Well now, I’ve got maybe the best motivation. In addition to suddenly feeling like I’ve been a horrible model for appropriate/healthy eating habits to my children, I’ve potentially created a future in which THEY’LL have to someday TAKE CARE OF ME!!

Oh hell no. I’m going to be one of those awesome grannies who cruises around in fitness gear, plays tennis like a pro, and takes the grandkids on fun adventures. I’m not going to be a bedridden old woman who has to be fed and bathed and catered to. I’ve seen the light.

So now when I reach for those cookies, I say to myself, “are you freaking serious right now? Really? Your organs are falling out of your body and you want to compound the problem by eating a cookie? Don’t do it.” And I don’t.

I use [an app] to log my meals and help me count calories and manage my Macros. I’ve known about this and these strategies for eating right for a long time now, I’ve just never committed to them before.

Well, today is day 5 of logging my meals. I’m not going crazy. This is about endurance, not a sprint. Baby steps. I’ve logged a calorie deficit of 200-400 calories each day, without feeling starving. (Anxiety about health problems is a fairly potent appetite suppressant for me, it turns out). I think more importantly, I’m seeing that what I’m eating is shockingly unbalanced. Did you know that THERES FAT IN SOOOO MANY FOODS!!!!

Not that taking in fat is bad, I know this. But i’m taking in WAY TOO MUCH!

Anyway, this has gotten very long. I just really wanted to get on here and share my story from it’s beginning. I wanted to further cement my commitment and share my health issues. And I wanted something concrete to look back at when I finally reach my weight loss goals.

Right now, in this moment my goals are simple:

1. Get that diet on point- eat right, eat healthy, eat balanced.

2. Get a little more active every day- take the kids out for a walk 3-4 days per week. Do mommy baby/toddler yoga 3-4 days per week. Just do something and make it fun for everyone.

3. Model better behaviors for my littles to see and learn from.

I’m not even worried about the scale right now. I think I may measure my weight once every couple of weeks. But, from reading everyone else’s stories, I know that if I just focus on my goals, the rest will come.

My first physical therapy appointment is on Monday. But I feel.... I’m in this for the long haul. It took me years to put this weight on. I have to be realistic that it’s going to take me years to take it back off again. If I keep that in mind, I can keep on track.

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