New redditor here! I’ve been lurking this community for a while now and the reason I finally made an account and joined the discussion is because I think I’m finally ready to get back on the wagon. I’m making this post to hold myself accountable but also to ask for support and advice on some issues I have around food and weight.
To keep my story short, I was a chubby kid/ preteen and overweight until the age of 16 when I lost 30lbs through healthy diet and exercise putting me at ~150 lbs (I’m 5’9 so near the middle of healthy BMI). Due to what I believe to be a combination of self-esteem issues (mostly related to a negative body image from years of being “the fat girl”), family issues leaving me feeling as though I lacked control, and positive reinforcement associated with my weight loss (hearing everyone tell me how good I looked and finally feeling like I fit in, especially at that age, was addicting), what started as healthy weight loss began to spiral into disordered eating habits, severe body dysmorphia and an obsession with food and thinness.
I’m in my late twenties now and have made significant progress in dealing with my eating issues and mental health since then. I won’t get too deep but to sum it up over the course of the past few years I’ve gone from what was basically full blown ednos, to developing a slightly healthier mindset with better habits but still not great (eating normal amounts/ healthy foods but over-exercising), to working through a lot of issues (eating and other) with counselling and ultimately finding myself where I am now … which isn’t terrible, but recently I feel as though I’ve swung too far in the opposite direction. After I graduated university, I had no money, was confronted with the reality of paying back student debt, then started a decent but still unfulfilling desk job and became depressed. That was 5 years ago and I’ve put on (what I’m guessing is) around 20-30 lbs since then and I can feel the effects of my unhealthy habits. All of my clothes are tight and a couple of pieces don’t even fit anymore. The good news is, I haven’t relapsed into old habits and I don’t feel like it’s the end of the world that I’ve gained weight again. But I’m not happy about it, mainly because I know I’m not healthy, I don't feel healthy, and I want to start making my health a priority again.
At this point, I pretty much eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and as much as I want. Often times those are healthy choices and proper portion sizes, but I also never say no to treats or seconds when I want them (which is also often). My lifestyle isn’t 100% sedentary but I am significantly less active than I once was. I walk for about 30 mins to 1 hr a few times a week and stretch daily, but I do have a desk job and my gym membership is going to waste because I’m lucky if I go once a month and I want to change that. I overeat often and feel sluggish and lethargic afterwards. I have minor knee problems from running that I know would be helped by weight loss.
I guess I’m just looking to get back on the health wagon but in a mindful, balanced way. I feel as though I am in a place right now where I can do it. I know I will need to maintain certain (not disordered) strategies and remain aware of my mental state throughout the process, but I want to do this for my health and to feel better physically as well as mentally, but also keep a positive and self-caring mindset. My goal is to lose the weight I’ve put on since graduating, however much that is, and ideally reach and maintain a healthy BMI of 21-22 (145-150lbs for my height) which is a weight that I know I feel good at.
Here are a couple of things I’m having issues with and I’m hoping some users here can give advice or even just words of encouragement/ support on:
- Stepping on the scale. I haven’t weighed myself in almost 10 years and I’m afraid to because I know I’ve gained weight. I also know that the number doesn’t define me and avoiding it won’t change anything (I weigh the same amount regardless of whether I look at the number or not) but I think part of me is worried it might trigger old negative thoughts. On the other hand, I feel like avoiding the number and being afraid of it is only giving more power to it and if I’m truly doing this to better my health, I need to know where my starting point is and view it as a shame-free, neutral part of the equation. The crazy thing is, I can tell my how my clothes fit that it’s more than 10 but no more than 40 so I even know the range. I think I’m gonna do it but can anyone else relate?
- People noticing my weight loss. This is a bridge I have yet to come to but I know it will happen eventually. Due to my history and all the work I’ve done to overcome the idea of weight as an indicator of one’s worth as a person, I don’t like people commenting on my body and therefore, am not going to like it when people inevitably will comment on weight loss. It just reminds me that other people are noticing my body, and also how much value society places on weight in the first place which is disheartening and makes me self-conscious. I know people mean well and I can just smile and say thanks but any tips on dealing with these types of feelings?
- Calorie counting. I’m going to feel things out first before/ if I start counting calories but has anyone else here tackled this issue with a similar past? I became obsessive about calories the first time around. Also the one benefit of having a history with disordered eating is automatically knowing the rough amount of calories in pretty much all foods so I don’t feel like I need to track with an app or anything to be aware but I might need more than a mental tally. Any advice in this regard?
Thanks for reading and also in advance for the support. I hope to be posting here more from now on!
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