I've been working hard to identify what helps me lose weight and maintain focus on healthy lifestyle changes. In doing so, I've identified some things that have progressed my weight loss and others that have hindered it and wanted to share my "best friend" and "worst enemy" and would love to hear yours!
- My Worst Enemy: DELUSION
"I'm not that big." "I deserve a treat." "At least I don't look as fat as her."
When I came home for winter break my first year in college, I had gained 25 pounds. The number on the scale shocked me so much that I honestly didn't believe it. For the next 4 years I lived in hateful defiance of mirrors, scales, and candid photos. I'd step on the scale once in a blue moon and hate myself but think "I certainly don't look like I'm 50 pounds overweight." I started incorporating some elliptical in my daily routine then be livid when my weight wasn't plunging immediately saying things like "even if I don't change what I'm eating, adding the exercise should do something!" I had a basic understanding of cico but had no idea how little exercise actually does for weight loss without a diet change. Everything around me was pointing to the fact that I was obese, but I just couldn't let myself believe it. "BMI is bullshit obviously... I mean do I look obese?" (spoiler alert, yeah... I really fucking did). My ex and I would do dumb things like the GM diet and stick with it for a couple days then binge on fast food to completely undo our small deficits. I remember making progress for a few days then getting livid that one cheat meal at Mcdonald's undid a week's worth of weight loss (didn't understand water weight), which prompted me to give up entirely. Eventually I made the commitment to actively change my lifestyle in October of 2017, but the scary thing is, delusion is still an active enemy of mine. As I watch my breasts turn into pancakes and my arms grow flappy, saggy wings, I realized that I still haven't come to terms with how big I was. I never thought I would have loose skin because "I wasn't that big." In recognizing this enemy and admitting its ability to remain active, I plan to stay vigilant in my fight against delusion.
- My Best Friend: MINDFULNESS
During my worst binges, my brain feels like its being controlled by a poorly calibrated auto-pilot system set on course to self sabotage. On my best days, I feel in control of my actions and let the unhelpful thoughts pass me by with ease. Every time I successfully lose weight, it always correlates with a clear headspace, and while I can't force myself into that headspace all the time, I can be mindful of the thoughts passing through my brain telling me to binge on pizza and wine and choose not to let them control me. I never used to be able to survive a weekend without ruining most of the week's progress, but all of a sudden it became doable by simply living in the moment. Don't get me wrong, mindfulness can be really difficult (see today's tantrum post) and I have to remind myself constantly to maintain it, but it's been the most effective weight loss tool by a landslide, and funny enough is the best thing to battle delusion. By being more conscious of my thoughts, I can actually identify my delusions to ensure they don't start becoming my subconscious truths.
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