Hi all,
30F here. I've lost about 35 pounds in the past 2 years, very gradually. It seems that within the past 5 pounds, I've reached a weight that is more flattering to my body. I'm a very curvy gal for context, and since I hit puberty I've dealt with creepy comments from others(mostly men, but women sometimes too) about my body. It's not unusual at all for many women, and yet I've really struggled with it throughout life.
There might be much more here to resolve with a professional, I was sexually abused as a child and gained a ridiculous amount of weight when I hit puberty, I think in some part to hide my body. I could write a book explaining how awful it was while I was living at home, my parents were... not very good with this and my mother blamed me directly multiple times throughout childhood for the attention I received. Years later as an adult, I told her about the sexual abuse and it was a total disaster, after years of keeping it to myself. She brought it up constantly by springing it on me on a regular basis, and after trying to talk it through with her because I couldn't take it mentally, she made her own suggestions as to what to do and when I responded negatively because I was so distraught and didn't want to talk about it anymore, she blamed me directly again and said that it was my "interpretation" that was wrong, not what actually happened. The incidents involved family members on both sides of the family and she essentially took their side without hearing the full side of my own perspective. Needless to say I keep my parents at a distance.
All of this is usually mentally tucked away. I talked my parents into setting up a few therapy sessions for me when I was 16 because I was a depressed teenager. This was also a bit of a fiasco, as for one reason or another my mother got jealous about the therapy sessions and after just 3 with a therapist, she flatly refused to pay for me to go to any more, because she believed I was complaining about her. She told my father that she should be able to quit her job (which was apparently her excuse as to why she treated me so poorly) before they spent money on me to go to therapy. It was a huge fight between them and ultimately I just gave up. I've really resisted any further therapy in adult life because I have bad feelings still associated with it and still get angry thinking about it.
In any case, some minor incidents involving leering and an inappropriate comment from a child (!!! not really the child's fault, they don't know what they're doing, but still it made me feel weird due to the incident earlier in the day) out of nowhere while giving out candy during trick or treating tonight put me in a weird mental spot and I am thinking again now about how to deal with creepy comments and perhaps going to therapy, despite my misgivings. I didn't consider the things that happened today very much until I came home and just wanted to eat a bunch of crap, sending me over my calorie limit and bungling my diet goals for the day. So now I'm sitting here thinking about why I wanted to binge and it's set me down this path of thinking about all I've laid out here, and that I feel the need to do something about this. I don't want to be stuck in a place like this, I want to continue to lose weight and feel good about myself, but I don't want to relive trauma every day when things like this happen.
EDIT: Also... I feel the need to say that I'm a 30 year old married woman, and I wear my wedding ring every day. I'm not sure why I feel the need to put this out there, but it somehow makes me feel more tired than ever about this issue.
Has anyone else felt something similar, dealt with similar issues, and have any good coping strategies to push through to a better place where the weight loss journey doesn't lead to a place of feeling awful every day for reasons like this?
TL;DR: Was sexually abused when young, and it affects my weight loss journey because I mentally want to "protect" myself by continuing to be fat instead. Family sucks and makes the problem worse. Therapy is an option but there are other issues involved that make me reluctant. Can anyone provide advice as to how they got through something like this? I just want to be healthy and happy with myself, but it feels like there's no winning.
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