TW: disordered eating
Had a tiny victory today after being in a bit of a slump with my weight loss. For some background, I’ve struggled in the past with disordered eating/exercise addiction in several forms. In high school, it started with bulimia that eventually morphed into severely restricting calories (~800 a day) and waaaaay too much exercise. It worked, and I got a lot of praise for my weight loss then, which felt really shitty because I was fully aware that I was hurting myself. After high school and having a child, I eventually started binge eating. When I was anxious, sad, mad, bored, I would just eat. And I’d eat a lot. I think the worst of it, throughout all of the years, was the mental aspect. I always struggled with so much guilt surrounding food. But it really became my go-to for any issues I was having. My relationship with food was weird. I’d go to it to make me feel better, and then I’d feel guilty for eating anything at all.
Anyway, in May I weighed myself and realized I was 295 pounds, which was the most I’ve ever weighed and way too close to 300 for my comfort zone. I told myself I would never be 300 pounds, and when I realized I was so close, something clicked. I jumped into weight loss and at first it was a tricky balance for me, because seeing results made me want to hit the gym harder, eat less, etc. but I did my best to set those thoughts aside and find a good balance. I’m now 249 pounds and have a long way to go.
Anyway, the point of my post is to talk about the realization I had today. I had a bad day. A really bad day. Lots of tears, and I’m not an emotional person. I got really anxious today, and I worked out. I didn’t eat, because I wasn’t hungry so there was no reason to eat. I worked out to help get me through the anxiety. And then tonight, when I was really sad and actually WAS hungry, I almost drove myself to get a tub of ice cream, but decided to make a turkey sandwich. I was sitting here, on my couch crying and shoving a turkey sandwich in my mouth (truly a sight to see), when I realized holy crap, I don’t remember the last time I binged. I don’t think I have since I started this weight loss journey. And I haven’t really wanted to.
And as I’m sitting there on my couch, inhaling this really unsatisfying turkey sandwich and sobbing, I have this realization that I have been so much kinder to my body over these last six months and I am PROUD. I’m proud of myself for not eating an entire bag of hot Cheetos in one sitting, and I’m proud of myself for working out to relieve stress, and I’m proud of myself for not beating myself up over having a slice of pizza every now and then and I’m proud of myself for resting when my body needs to.
I’m still struggling sometimes. I struggle to see the weight loss even though I know it’s there because I’ve had to buy new clothes. I struggle to not put myself down since my weight loss has slowed down a bit lately. I’m not always kind to myself mentally, but I’m getting there, and damn. I’ve been really kind to my body for the first time in a long time. I’m proud.
Tl;dr: Ate a turkey sandwich while sobbing. Felt proud. Posted it here.
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