Wanted to share this just in case it could help somebody else who’s going through similar stuff.
A friend who had been slipping dangerously into alcoholism territory on account of their mental health issues recently had to stop drinking due to a heath scare. When we were talking about it, they told me “now I have to find a way to stop my binge drinking from turning into binge eating”.
I’ve been vocally disapproving of my buddy’s drinking because as you can probably understand, I don’t want to see them spiral down a dark path into substance abuse that they then can’t escape from. But their comment made me realise that—just like they’ve been self medicating with alcohol, I’ve been using food to mask my own mental health problems instead of finding healthy coping mechanisms.
Suddenly everything makes a lot more sense: why I can lose weight successfully...but only when I’m hyperfocused on losing weight to the point my diet and exercise take up a solid 70% of my mental attention, and why it’s been so difficult to get back on track with “eating healthily”. Read: not binge eating. It’s a deceptively important distinction, but incidental or habitual over eating isn’t so much my issue as emotional, compulsive binge eating. I can have a solid day of healthy, balanced, fulfilling meals and then wreck it all the space of a couple hours due to eating my aimlessness and my boredom.
Either weight loss is my distraction, or eating is.
Food addiction doesn’t have the same dangerous consequences as alcohol dependency, of course. Yes, binge eating and obesity will hurt your body in the long run too, but alcoholism is by far the riskier affliction. Even so, I feel very short sighted over trying to help my friend out of using booze as their emotional crutch while I’m doing the same with food.
I’ve decided to put a hold on trying to lose weight and instead work on fixing my relationship with food and eating. “Fixing my relationship with food” has been my intention from the start of this entire process, but that’s just meant portion sizing and moderation, concepts that go out the window the moment you start eating not for hunger or nourishment, but in vain attempt sooth your restless spirit and feel less crappy.
This time, I’m treating my diet (diet as in general food intake, not diet in the restricted eating sense) as a part of my over-all mental health. I’m trying to get back on my antidepressants, and HOPEFULLY find some therapy if I can also find the time off work for it. It’s long overdue anyway as I’ve been struggling with some pretty intense gender identity issues that are no doubt partly to blame for my eating problems. Hard to care for a body you don’t appreciate because it doesn’t match your internal self.
I’m going to pick up journalling again. I’m going to process my feelings through pen and paper, instead of squashing them with food. While I work on my mental stuff, I also have a hand-written guide to help me recover in my disordered eating patterns, that’s health focused rather than weight loss focused:
1) No calorie counting. Through the months of doing CICO, I’ve gotten pretty good at recognising the correct portion sizes when it comes to veg, meat, carbohydrates etc. Eating balanced meals without having to record everything is something I can do on my own, but I know that when my mental health is bad, having number restrictions to think about doesn’t help and leads to hyperfocusing, frustration, and then, binge eating.
I have to remind myself: I didn’t get to the size I am because I was eating balanced meals but eating too much. I got to the size I am because I was using share-size bags of chocolate to escape my negative emotions. I can afford to be squiffy on calories if it means I don’t stress over going over my goal calories because I wanted a glass of milk, and then eating three slices of cake because I’d already ruined today.
2) Eat when hungry. Even if I’ve had a heavy day already. Even if I “shouldn’t” be hungry. Important note: when I say hungry, I do mean hungry. Not “snackish”, not “bored and wanting food”. If I can feel the hunger as a physical sensation in my stomach, I eat. But it has to be something light like an orange, celery, or mug-soup.
3) Fill half my plate with veggies as many meals as I can. Yep, that means breakfast salads. I’ve started eating veggies for breakfast recently anyway and I actually really enjoy it. It helps me feel fuller longer and means I’m less likely to grab an impromptu processed snack at work. I like to pair up a bowl of salad with two scrambled eggs and a single slice of toast.
4) Avoid/limit refined sugar. It’s time I admitted to myself something I’ve been denying for too long: chocolate and cake are trigger foods and I can’t trust myself to eat them in moderation, at least not while my mental health is screwy and my eating habits are effed. I’m stopping buying them, I won’t have them in the house. I’ve written a list of “safe desserts” that I can eat instead: jelly (jello to you Americans I guess?) that I make and divide out into little pots in the fridge. Protein bars with low sugar content. Slimfast <100cal treat bars. Sugar fucks with your brain and encourages you to crave more, so I need to limit it without feeling like I’m keeping myself from having any treats at all, especially when my bf likes to have a snack himself when we’re watching Netflix!
5) Drink More Tea!! Because getting up to make a cup of tea serves the same “distraction” purposes that getting up to find a snack does, with the benefit that the heat means you can’t just chug it. I’ve always found tea comforting, so sitting with a mug of green tea that I have to drink slowly is a much healthier, and, actually relaxing reflex than mindlessly shoving chocolate into my mouth.
6) Eat out less, but eat out PROPERLY when I do. I eat out too much due to work/social arrangements meaning I’m in situations where I have to dine away from home often. I’m going to try and get around this by packing food to eat on my commute between destinations, and limit how often I visit restaurants to once a week. But when I do go to a restaurant, I’m doing it properly.
I’m ordering what I want from the main menu and getting a dessert if I feel like it. When I try to order from the low cal options at most restaurants I feel miserable and unsatisfied and often end up ordering more food than I would have otherwise eaten anyway. (Which, can we talk about this?! Can we talk about how low cal restaurant options SUCK? The portions are always tiny AND YET just as expensive as the regular menu items, so you feel ripped off. They’re rarely tasty or imaginative. I’d rather just never eat out ever again than have to order off of the low-cal menu, it’s such a sad fucking disgrace).
7) Journal my food feelings. If I slip up and binge, write about it. Figure out why and write it down. It’s important I learn what negative feelings and triggers are causing me to seek solace in food, so that I can address the route cause and plan for the next time I’m in the same situation. Work stress? Boredom? Writing will also help get my emotions out of my head and onto paper so that I don’t have to go around with guilt and post-binge stress swirling around in my head.
Wish me luck, r/Loseit crew. I hope in a couple of months I’ll be making another post here to say “guess who’s back and feels much more balanced and healthy!”
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