I first started losing weight at 17 due to really bad body dysmorphia. I've been struggling with binge eating disorder triggered by depression since I was 15, and that made me gain weight rapidly.
By the time I was 18, I managed to lose 30 lbs. I was happier with how I looked, but I felt like it wasn't enough and I was still stressed about eating and exercising. I ended up relapsing. But the first time I attempted to lose weight, I felt so encouraged by the small changes happening.
Sine then I've regained it all back and then some. I turn 21 next month and I've relapsed and started over again well over 50 times by now. Each time, I get a little more discouraged because I know how hard it is to lose all that weight, and I always had to start at a higher weight each time I started over (it doesn't help that I absolutely hate working out as well).
This year, I've almost just given up on myself. It is so damn hard to fight my eating disorder, small changes isn't enough for me anymore because I am so overweight anyways. I don't understand how I can get that first time motivation and encouragement back...
I've just started associating weight loss with personal failure. I've just tried so many times now, and I only succeeded once, it feels like insanity. It's just gotten harder and harder to get back on the horse each time. The idea of working out and eating less is so discouraging to me now it just makes me want to cry.
I've seen two therapists in attempts to get rid of my depression and eating disorder, but it hasn't helped. I don't know what the point of this post is, I guess I just needed to vent. I only recently realized that I've come to associate weight loss with failure, and it breaks my heart.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/32H7mN4
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