4 years ago, I lost 150 lbs. I then regained 160. Devastating, as you can imagine. I have diagnosed binge eating disorder and thought I'd been treating it (counseling, meds), but I got in a shame spiral after I reached my weight goal and my disordered thinking was as bad as ever.
I've now lost 95. That rocks. But emotionally I don't even feel like I've accomplished anything. It is like my brain isn't even allowing me to be proud of myself. Sometimes I can recognize negative thoughts like, "Well, you're still 60 lbs over your lowest" and "Just making up lost ground," but most of the time I just feel nothing. Not mad at myself, but not proud of myself. Almost dissociated from the loss.
Intellectually, I am able to be very proud of myself and list off accomplishments. I went back into treatment. I surrounded myself with even more support (continued counseling instead of short term, 2x/week recovery meetings, better commitment to my meds and a psychiatrist instead of GP, fully accepting my eating disorder including the restrictive voice it has, more daily mental health practices). But I feel zero excitement over my weight loss.
It's not the first time I've yo-yo'd. I'd lost 50 and 85 in two prior weight loss attempts, then regained it and more. All three times I got into a certain weight range and then started regaining (um hello need to explore this in therapy... I am pretty sure that is the weight I was when I had a significant adolescent trauma). But I was able to still be excited for my progress each subsequent attempt. Maybe because I went "further" than my prior attempts in terms of total lost? Maybe I have more fear than I realize about history repeating itself?
Any suggestions for how I can emotionally drop my barricade and feel proud of myself, get in touch with the reality of the changes I've made? I'll talk to my therapist as well, but I'm between insurance for a few weeks so on a little hiatus from my regular appointments.
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