Hey everyone, I’m mostly a lurker and a very rare poster. I just wanted to post to show myself how far I’ve come and kick my butt back into gear to lose the last 26 pounds.
In high school, I struggled with exercise subtype bulimia but kept it mostly hidden. I also ate vegan for ethical reasons — this was independent of my ED — I just thought I’d include it to make part of this make sense. My freshman year of college, I left my support system behind exacerbating my eating disorder and ballooned up from 167 to 185 pounds. (It could’ve been higher since I didn’t weigh myself at my absolute worst). I was depressed, not on a schedule, vegan binging daily (#healthyvegan /s), and exercising for up to 3 hours at a time. When I went home for winter break I was an absolute wreck. In the spring I was still massively struggling but began addressing my binging and overexercising by seeing a therapist. I no longer binged daily, I cut back on exercise, modified my vegan diet that balanced my nutritional needs, and started journaling. I still binged frequently and struggled with my body image but I had improved. I stagnated in the high 170s though, and still treated food and exercise as rewards/ punishments. At the end of my freshman year, I went to see a psychiatrist to change my anxiety/ depression medication. He noticed how jumpy and scattered I was, and after rigorous testing, I was diagnosed with ADHD and began treatment. (An important fact to note is that people with ADHD produce less dopamine than their neurotypical counterparts.)
Over the next three months, my life drastically changed. My first day on medication, I called my mom crying because I had sat still for more than 10 minutes. When I began treating my ADHD, while my cravings for junky food didn’t go away, my intense urges to binge began to decrease. Additionally, I started a reasonable running plan (as opposed to sporadically over exercising after binging) to increase mileage and improve my cardiovascular fitness... and I stuck to it! Eventually, I switched over to a more rigorous plan (still nothing compared to after binging) and began training for a half marathon. I ran with a plan, and that plan was not dependent on how much I ate. I stopped treating exercise as a punishment. Instead, I found that steady state cardio calmed my mind. During this period, I realized that my ADHD and poor body image had created a perfect storm: I felt awful about my body and wasn’t producing enough dopamine, so I went out and found my own dopamine by binging on any rich foods. During those first few months of treatment, I dropped to 160 pounds due to consistent exercise and significantly fewer binges.
When the semester restarted I went back up to 166. These days I eat a balanced vegan diet consisting of 60/25/15 carb/protein/fat ratio. I aim to eat about 1800 calories a day on days I’m inactive or run less than 5 miles. On days where I run more, I eat back half the calories I burn. I’m running a half marathon next Saturday and am hoping to get down to 140.
A couple final notes, all of my weight loss/ mental health work is an ongoing conversation with my psychiatrist. If something I do is triggering/ doesn’t work for you, that doesn’t mean I have the same reaction. We all recover differently. Please be kind! There’s a lot going on in my story but I feel like these are the most important takeaways: 1. My weight loss has been anything from linear and that’s okay. 2. By changing how I viewed certain activities and behaviors, I have empowered myself and reclaimed them for me. 3. You can and should work on your physical and mental health at the same time. 4. You can be a healthy or an unhealthy vegan/ keto/ paleo/ whatever your diet is. It all depends on the quantity and quality of food you eat.
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