Hi everyone, hope you had a successful week. TW: Rape/ Eating Disorders. This is a very vulnerable post that I will be making, but I finally feel comfortable and safe enough to share my story. There are many reasons why people gain weight and develop an unhealthy relationship with food. For me, my weight gain was a product of child sexual abuse and molestation.
I will not be going into detail about my rapes, but I will say that they began before I hit puberty. When I was underdeveloped, that was when the rapes occured most. I spent every night living in fear of my father from the age of 6-17, but mainly the years of 8-11.
Then, when I hit puberty, my dad began to call me a "fat slob" and grew more and more disinterested in my body. This was when I started developing an unhealthy relationship with food. Because my father was disgusted by my developing body, I associated "growing" with "less chances of being raped". As a result, I would intentionally overeat and binge, almost daily, from ages 12-17, and even that didn't stop my father from occasionally raping me during those times (although it happened less and less as I got older).
I hit my all time highest weight of 210 pounds my senior year of highschool (for reference, I am 5"6.5/ female). It was during that point that I decided to put an end to gaining weight. I started losing weight June 13th, 2018, and lost over 50 pounds, getting down to 157 pounds. At that point the rapes had stopped and I was in college the majority of the time, so my father wasn't in my life that much. Out of sight, out of mind. All was well, right?
Well, not really. I found that when I got down to 157, I started to get extremely triggered. I thought I would have felt better finally getting to a healthy weight, but all I could think about was my under developed body and what my father had done with it. Losing weight, in my mind, was being vulnerable and susceptible to danger.
I then turned back to binging, but adopted the bulimia as well, because I was so conflicted emotionally about whether is was "right" to continue losing weight or "necessary" to gain weight as a means of protecting myself. So, from the end of freshmen year to the beginning of sophomore year, I gained back about 40 pounds by stuffing my face with food and using that as a shield.
The crazy part was, I was not in danger during those times last year and this year. The rapes had stopped long ago, but the effects of them were everlasting.
I have been working through these issues with my therapist and have been making headway in my recovery from my trauma. I am now not afraid to lose weight, as I now realize that I am safe and that being "smaller" doesn't equal "being prepubescent". I have also changed my methods for losing weight. Instead of heavily restricting and eating under 1000 calories, throwing up my food, and categorizing certain foods as "fear" foods, I am now taking a healthier appeoach. I eat 1500 calories a day, fit in "treats" that I once would avoid into my budget, stopped separating food as "good food" and "bad food", and haven't pudged in months. My last binge was October 28th, and I am on a 16 day streak logging my calories.
My scale broke this week, but the lowest weight I reached before that was 185.5, so I have lost 5+ pounds since November 1st. I wanted to share this with you guys because I know there might be some people who have gone through sexual trauma like I have and have no opportunity to express their thoughts. I think it's important to talk about these issues because they can reallt impact a person's life. I am proud to say that I did not let my past determine my future, and I hope you do too.
Thank you for reading.
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