Hi everyone. 34, female, 160kg (353lbs) and emotionally, I’m at my wits end.
I’ve been battling my weight for as long as I can remember. I have also had some significant weight loss over the years, and gained it all back plus some every time. So I know weight loss isn’t physically impossible, but emotionally and mentally, I’ve never been able to break through. I’m desperate for some help.
If this were a physical problem, I would go to the doctor, sign up for bariatric surgery and just battle through the pain. However, I have already done a non-surgical bariatric program two years ago. I lost 60lbs consuming shakes for six months, and then when the program ended, there was zero support after and I went back to my old lifestyle.
I’m not very good at taking care of myself, physically or emotionally. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and don’t have what I would consider a strong support system in place. I have one or two people who clearly care about me, and when I talk to them it’s helpful, but I feel guilty dumping all of my emotional baggage on them when they ask about my diet.
Essentially, I feel like there are not enough gains to losing weight to get me through the emotional struggles of losing weight. I eat whenever my emotions are out of whack, whether it be because I’m anxious or depressed or even happy and wanting to celebrate. Every emotion has a food correlated to it. I don’t have an alternative stress reliever, because I am such a perfectionist that if I don’t do something that isn’t perfect, it isn’t worth doing. Weight loss is in the same boat - the second I plateau, I feel like I’m failing and I give up because the anxiety and feeling of failure is too much to take.
When I was younger, I used to tell myself that maybe if I lost weight, I wouldn’t be so alone. I have never been in a relationship, due to my anxiety around people, and my asexuality means I have very little physical drive to be in one. But in coming to terms with my lack of relationships, that has become another inspiration gone. Like I said, I’m not very good at taking care of myself, and if I’m not looking nice for other people, I just don’t see the point. My depression can kick in very quickly when I start thinking like that, because I just don’t see a future where I feel beautiful, or worth the time, and it spirals into images of being alone for the rest of my life, just waiting to die. Which, given the rate I’m going, isn’t going to be too long a wait.
All of this to say…. I do try still. Back in January, I signed up for WW (WeightWatchers rebranded) when I was at my largest (166kg) so I’ve lost 6kg, but that number is creeping back up as well. Before this pandemic, I was going to Planet Fitness three times a week with my dad, and I was starting to enjoy the routine. I had hit a plateau, but I was slowly working through it.
And then this pandemic hit, and I just didn’t have the emotional strength to keep up at home.
Cooking for myself became getting drive through every day. Workouts became nap times. I haven’t seen my coworkers or friends in ages, and I don’t think they realize how bad things have gotten for me again…
SO. And if you got this far, you’re doing amazing.
I need some help from people who might have been in the same boat. I need to know how to change my toxic lifestyle when I’ve got some pretty big mental health walls in front of me. My perfectionism makes it hard to feel it’s worth doing if it’s not perfect. My anxiety means I don’t reach out to others. My depression kicks in when I’m wondering if it’s worth it. My lack of relationships doesn’t give me the same drive it does others. But I know I need to lose weight or I will die young. And if you ask my depression on some days, that’s not a bad thing.
PS - Yes, I am on medication for my depression and anxiety, and I used to see a doctor once every other month. I moved a year ago, and am lucky if I can get 10 minutes with my new mental health doctor every six months. I know that getting a new doctor is on my list of things to do, but living in a smaller city, our resources are limited in terms of mental health professionals so I’m seen as a lower priority compared to other more serious cases. So if you know of any Canadian resources for online mental health services, that would be helpful too.
Thanks everyone.
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