First Time.

36/F/5'7/238 lbs

I've always been heavy since puberty. My mother told me women just blow up like that.

No, they don't.

Anyway, I really want to change things so I installed My Fitness Pal and I got a jump rope.

As luck would have it, I sprained my knee so I'm waiting for that to heal.

I was invited to the gym by a coworker but we haven't made any definite plans.

My motivation for weight loss is I like sex.

I like sex with my boyfriend.

So, I want to be healthier, hotter, and a bit more flexible.

"You should be doing this for you!"

Well, I am. Because I enjoy being with him. There wasn't an "a-ha" moment or a "I really need to change my life," moment.

Just something that's been in the back of my mind for a while.

I've been lurking here a long time and never had the courage to post.

I apologize if this is all over the place but I need to put this out there before I lose my nerve.

I have an addiction to food and it comes from my mom and grandmother. It's how my family copes with, well, everything.

I was doing good for a little while but I felt so deprived and unhappy.

When it comes to eating food I'm not "supposed to have," an immense wave of shame torments my soul and eats at my conscious.

When I'm stressed at work, I just want to consume anything I see and it's just an awful way to be - I'm am essential worker (CNA in a nursing home) and it's been hella stressful.

Which means I'm hella hungry. I'm not so much uncomfortable in my skin - more like, I feel that there isn't any excuse.

I've been drinking lots of water and I've been doing my best to learn when I'm actually hungry and when it's stress hunger.

Also, my period gives me horrible food cravings that can become almost impossible to ignore.

I set times for myself.

"Yes, you're hungry but you can eat dinner at this time."

I try to space out my meals a little bit and eat enough to where I'm full but not overly full.

Exercise is boring and the thought of going to a gym is terrifying (thanks Covid) so I've been researching physical activities that look fun.

I have my eye on some roller skates which I read is excellent cardio.

I was a pretty active kid: bike riding, roller skating, jumping rope, walking when I could.

It was the constant consumption that screwed me over.

And my boyfriend hasn't said anything or treated me any different so that's not the issue either.

This is strictly me.

I'm happy but I could be happier and I want to make myself happier. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I want to be a little more active.

I'll never be a size 2 or a supermodel or anything.

I'm not all that pretty but I'm smart and I'm kind to people. I work hard and try to earn some extra steps at work when I can.

With the colder months, and my stationary hobbies (gaming, writing, crochet, reading) it can be a bit of a struggle.

It's hard to get active when I'm already active at work. I've been thinking of buying a little elliptical thingie where I can cycle my legs while I crochet or play video game.

Sometimes I think of a million reasons to do this and other times I think of none.

I feel like I'm just helpless when it comes to food and I'm so ashamed of that.

I don't know how to express that feeling inside where I eat one more chip and just want to bawl like a baby because I'm so disgusted with myself but I can't put the damn chips down.

And the excuses!

Stress at work. Election stress. Holiday stress.

Always some type of stress (excuse!) to be Mrs. Piggy, right?

I'm just tired of being like this and that's the best way I can describe it - I'm tired of feeling like this, I'm tired of being overweight or obese or whatever fat category I fall into...

I don't have a scale at home but when I did (a long time ago), I weighed myself every day. And if I gained any weight, I would starve myself or skip a meal. Which is counter productive. Because I'd binge. And then cut myself as punishment for binging.

If I were to be truly honest though, If I were to dig really deep,

I kept the weight to hide.

You see, my mother married a man that came into my room at night and when it all came out into the open, my mother blamed me, said I was "asking for it," etc, etc, etc.

And the thought of any boy finding me "sexy" was downright terrifying.

That's when I really started going downhill. In my early twenties, I realized if I wanted to make lasting changes, I had to accept myself as I am, and I did! Yay, confidence!

But that's where I stopped.

Now I'm to the point where it's like okay, I'm confident and feel good in my own skin but I need to make some adjustments to improve if that makes sense?

I think, this time around, I want to be a happier, healthier, version of myself. Manage my stress better (and this might even mean finding a different job), exercise a little more, have a little more sex, and just be a more laid back, cooler version of myself.

My struggle is my own and I won't lie or pretend - I've had to work through some serious misogynistic BS, iron out my own mental/emotional dysfunction, find a new spiritual path (overly religious parents: how's that for irony, ha!) and now I want to work on my physical self.

I want my physical self to look just as good as my inner self.

And it's not for any other reason than I want to be happy and people are happy when they're healthy.

And people are happy when they have more (safe, consensual) sex.

Which blows my mind because I never thought I would ever be this comfortable with any man, ever.

He's really the best and I think him and I both deserve the best version of myself.

So yeah, that's my story, and I plan to update every so often and take lots of pictures to track my progress.

I know I can do this. I've come so far already; I feel like losing some weight is the last and biggest hurdle of freeing myself of some heavy baggage.

Thank you so much for reading.

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