i have been eating below 1000 calories on the daily for 4 months already i cant seem to stop

hi reddit! this is my first time posting about this so please be kind. it's kind of long so i hope you bear with me.

im a 20-year old 5'2 female weighing around 53kg. i used to weigh around 70kg back in 2018 and i decided to lose some weight before entering college. i mostly just eliminated rice from my diet and did some cardio workouts 5 hours before going to bed. i went from 70kg to 63kg and i was so happy! i entered college feeling fresh, confident, and beautiful. i felt like i had a major glow-up because i became confident in the way i dressed, too. in short, i was very happy with my self-image.

and then quarantine started. aside from the fact that i was devastated (because i was a people's person + i was so afraid of my family getting covid), i also started to pinpoint the bad things about my body: flabs of fat here and there, things like that. i became so critical about my body. i hated how my thighs would and belly would jiggle and how my chest was too big. i had a short neck and fat face, too. i decided to lose weight. initially, i worked out (cardio) everyday without fail for an hour and a half. i diminished my intake of food too, but just by a little. 2 months later, i lost 2 kg and 2 inches around my waist. my family was praising me for the weight loss, i was still not satisfied. im pretty sure my self-dissatisfaction came from the things i see on social media and youtube. i keep seeing "lose 10kg in 3months!" and stuff like that and i... kind of pressured myself into doing so?

come july i decided to do an extreme calorie deficit: at first it was just a mild, healthy calorie deficit. i just substituted my rice with some vegetables. aside from that, i still continued my daily cardio workouts consisting of a lot of jumping. and it worked. less than 3kg later, i was still unhappy, and terribly so. i just started calorie counting really bad. my lunch would consist of a small pieces of meat or poultry and lettuce (because they were low in calories) and a shitton of water. i dont eat breakfast too because i'm A.) either asleep till 11am or B.) on the days i wake up early, i just wait till 12nn to eat. for snack, a single piece of wheat bread with butter and a cup of coffee, and for dinner, the same amount of food i took during lunch, sometimes even less. i dont eat beyond 6pm and wait till 12nn on the following day to eat. all in all, i know i eat around 900 calories a day or less. on good days, i take it up to 1000 or 1200, but the thought of eating beyond 1000 calories breaks my heart beyond words, and it's been going on since july. my aunt asked blatantly asked (but i can sense the genuine concern) if i had anorexia, and i denied it on instinct. our family shies away from mental issues so i didnt really know how to respond.

reddit, please help me. i know i should see a nutritionist, but the pandemic is forfeiting my rights to go outside and seek help. plus, it's expensive. i want to go back and enjoy food again, and be confident again like i was when i was at 63kg. i want a healthy relationship with food again, but i just cant seem to recover from this self-induced fever dream.

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